Becoming a Butterfly

Even though she was the biggest loser, and had a chance to get rid of that yucky Vickie…AND DID NOT…she still was voted off!

I will miss her.  She is a good person…you can tell!

So proud of the mom and daughter team…and Jillian.  They pulled it out!  WOW!!!  10 lbs for Michelle!

They are a force to be reckoned with…go get them girls!!!!  I wish they’d tackle Vickie…great visual:)

Ok…I am bummed…I was so hoping that Vicky was gone…

And then to lose someone as sweet as Coleen…Arghhhhhhh!!!!!

Didn’t she look beautiful and sooooooooo happy???  I loved what she said about not letting life pass you by…

Been feeling like that lately…life just passing me by.

What do you think about the show?  I thought Jillian’s training was very powerful!  That girl don’t mess around–and she gets to the root of the issues!!

I have been soooooo busy…I can’t seem to get it together on the biggest loser weigh ins.   I think I want to just stop doing it…

what do you guys think?

Ok…I totally blew it.  I posted the winner…and was using old numbers.  I have been searching and searching for last weeks weigh in results and I cannot find it….HELP!  Will those that posted earlier, if you didn’t send me last weigh in’s weight can you send it again with your new weight so I can make up a new chart!?  REALLY sorry…not sure where it went:/

The show was awesome!  So glad that little miss Vicky got hers and lost her man:)   There were definitely some highlights to this show!  What did you guys think!?

Bye bye Brady…too bad so sad…not:)

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/video/clips/theyre-back/819401/

Here is the preview…I hear there is a big surprise coming…can’t wait.  Needing some inspiration!

I am expecting some big numbers this week…since we got a week off last week!  I am just hanging on…

Post below and I will put the weights up and post the winner after the show tonight!

 Thanks,

Chrisie

ok…

I think, hope, pray that this binge I have been on for weeks now comes to an end.  I have been eating out of control.  Still observing myself…trying to figure it out.  What in the world makes us one day be SO determined to change, to take control, to do the work…and then another day later be so…so…not?

Wondering when the change will come!  When will it come?  Is it up to me?  Is it my job, or is it God’s?  I certainly know that I cannot continue in my sin and expect change…but still…there is the underlining…something or other that “makes” me do this to me.  What is it?  That is the mystery, the revelation, the key that will certainly unlock the door and welcome the change to come to me.

Sadness tries to take me…but I find that anxiety and regret normally win.  And there is a familiarity with this place I am in.  Been here so many times before.  So many times.  Is there a comfort in it?  Maybe…at least there is a knowing that it seems to be a wave, and that if I ride it long enough…and hold on…it will pass.  Remember the scene with Tom Hanks from the movie, Castaway…when he finally beat the winds and made it past the barrier that had always thrown him back to the shore.  And come to think of it…wasn’t there wings involved?  ok…going to get a pic…brb.   There is the pic on the package…see it…wings!  A lot like Butterfly wings.

Here he is building the boat…and remember he painted the wings on the porta john that he used as the sail.  I am sensing that God is ministering to me…bear with me.  I think he is telling me that His ways are not mine…and that He is doing something in me.

Remember in the movie, when he got back…how different he was than the people he had once been so at home with.  They didn’t get him.  He didn’t get them.  There was a world of difference between them…because he had been through it.  He had been through something they could not comprehend.After that…he went looking for the artist that had inspired him to press through–to get past the barrier that kept him on the island.   The artist that had given him wings to fly away from that dreadful island.

 Guess that is how I feel…like a castaway on an island.  With a wind barrier all around me…I need to find my wings, my determination.  Or do I need to go to the Artist that has shown me my wings?  Maybe I just need to seek Him and ask Him to change me…because it is really something I cannot do on my own. 

Lord, I don’t know what to do…but you know me, and you know exactly what I should do.  So I look to you and ask you, “Where are my wings?  And how do I do this in Your power?  Forgive me for overeating and using food like a crutch in my life, when I have the God that created the universe to turn to.  Help me Lord live according to your Word!  Set me free from this addiction that has already stolen so much from me.  Help me Jesus!

 protect

keep out the bad

determine what I am responsible for

love

are healthy

are good for us

are freeing

help build trust

bring security

support decisiveness

remove fear of rejection

confront the need for approval

improve relationships

develop assertive behavior

help others accept personal responsibility

confront guilt

reduce conflict

overcome the role of victim or martyr

disarm manipulation and control

teach healthy confrontation

create healing environment

develop detachment

eliminate overdependency

eliminate passive aggressive behavior

temper survival behaviors

develop self-control!

Love others and love yourself!

Ok…I am trying to get this boundaries thing…

Went to the Christian bookstore last night and got the book…and the workbook.  And one for people that are married.  Thinking about it tonight…and made a list…part of it was from the internet, and some of it just from my head.  I sure hope it helps me.  My son is really wanting to come home, and I REALLY want him to.  BUT I need healthy boundaries there too.  I have money saved, but how much of it do I use to help him?  What is the most loving thing to do?  Sure wish I was good at this kinda stuff…

Well…I have been a candy eating machine…seems like everywhere I go there is some available…but I need a boundary here!  Hope all of you are doing better than me with the candy around…

ok…I challenge you to just step away from the candy!!!!

I had something really cool happen today.  There is a worshipper who’s music I love.  It brings me so much peace.  Well, I went to her website last night and sent her a comment…thanking her for her music.  She emailed me back and then I emailed her back asking when she’d be around here…and today I heard back.  SHE HAS just MOVED HERE!!!!  And she is part of a church plant where she and her husband will be the associate pastors.  I am soooooo excited.  I have been praying about where to go to church…and then this happened…! 

I have a feeling that this will be a blessing for me…  I had a dream a while ago and it seems to be connected to this new leading from God!  Yeah!

Have a great day!

Blessings,

Chrisie

I am watching the scale, and amazed that it is not moving higher than it already has…only 2 lbs over where I usually hover.   The last month or so, I have NOT been working on my weight loss.  No exercise, no counting of the calories…I have not called my trainer back to set up a time for us to meet. 

I am over it. 

I just have lost my desire, motivation, hope…maybe even my will to lose.  Not sure why…but, it has happened.   Don’t know when the motivation will come back.   So, I am enjoying eating whatever I want, but not enjoying the times that I over indulge. 

My son came for the visit, and it was wonderful.  A bit overwhelming to me.  Just seeing him, and his fiance…  The dynamics relationally.  I have been kinda quiet processing it all.  He wants to come home, with his fiance…and go to school…which is WONDERFUL…but also daunting for me.  Knowing the balance of what to help him with, and what to let him do for himself.  I wish I had enough $ that I could just send him to school…but…I can’t.  It brings up all the past pain of not being able to do for him like I wished I could.   The feelings of being an inadequate mother…and the shame of being an unwed mother…living below poverty level.    We will have to apply for financial aid, and with the school here and him there…and me here…I will probably have to do some of the leg work for him.  This kinda stuff overwhelms me…and him too.  Please pray for us that someone will help us sort it all out!

Yesterday, I met with a counselor about my marriage.  She is the wife of the gentleman my husband and I met with recently.  My husband left town while my son was here.  He went to a church meeting and came back saying that God had changed him.  He’s been working so hard to show me the change.  BUT, I can’t trust it.  I talked to the counselor about it, and she understood…and said that was wisdom.  I told her some about our relationship, and she also agrees that my husband and I should separate.   That way, he can work on him, and I can work on me.  I always help him…too much.  And get lost in the process.  She said, that when I tell him he has to leave, I will be able to see if he has really changed or not.  I left that meeting overwhelmed…sad…wondering how I can afford to live on my own again, how can I have this strong of a boundary…and went shopping?? 

I was shopping and got very hungry, so I opened a bag of whole grain pita cinnamon brown sugar chips…and knoshed away.  Then I thought, hmmm….better get some protein, shwooop…I opened a can of almonds…and then I saw some chocolate covered ones…for…dessert…yeah, that’s it.  It was my dessert:)  On the way home (in the car) I took out some pastry puff cheese sticks I found too…and they were oh so yummy….and I was satisfied.   Was it a binge?  Sorta…I was a little out of control…lost in the eating.

It would have been ok…but when I got home…and hour or so later, my husband asked, what’s for dinner?  I should have said…I am full…I don’t want dinner…but…alas…nope.

I preceded to go ahead and make him soup and a sandwich and one for me too.  I at least had the fortitude to not eat all the soup, but the damage was already done.  So…I was sick.  Sicky, icky, yucky–that I-kinda-ate-too-much-after-Thanksgiving-dinner feeling.

Today, I still have not eaten anything…and I am JUST now getting hungry.  My body was like…no…I need a break.  You made me sick with all that garbage yesterday.  So tonight, I am having a reasonable sit down dinner…  where I will be conscious, and deliberate with my choices!  Good choices for me.

I guess that is where I am right now.  After the seeing my son, and meeting with the counselor, and having to consider such big changes in my life…I am realizing, that I am co-dependant.  The definition being, someone that tries to help others, but in a way that causes them to hurt themselves.  I am realizing that I need better boundaries, with my son, my husband, my food and myself. 

How do I do this? 

It will have to be by the Grace of God. 

http://www.oprah.com/dated/oprahshow/oprahshow_20081001_biggestloser

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