Becoming a Butterfly

Tonight, Biggest Loser and American Idol.  My 2 fav shows.  I DVR them so I can watch them back to back.  Like them both…real people competing for prizes…growing, lives changing.  Living their dreams.  Kinda cool…

Tonight as I was watching American Idol…I was thinking about Simon.  Watching him.  Have you ever noticed how he picks on Paula.  I mean it IS abusive…seriously.  More so than with the contestants.  She tries so hard to just be herself, but he constantly picks her apart.   It was an “ah ha” for me because I realized I have people in my life like that.  People that always pull me down, and no matter how hard I try, they just seem to find the bad in me…steal my joy…rain on my parade…  What makes people do that?  What is going on inside of Simon’s little brain?

The other thing I “got” was the artist thing…you can tell on the show who is really an artist.  And it made me appreciate who I am a little more.  It has always seemed to be kind of a curse…but I am starting to see…it really is a gift…

The other “ah ha” was with Tara, when she didn’t do so well at the weigh in, and Jillian didn’t believe her…it is like she is crying out…”Can’t anyone see, I am trying my best…trying to be perfect…”  And all she gets is people trying to take her out.  Tear her down.  And now, even her trainer…doubts her.   I think about myself…I feel that way lots of times…and then I just feel like giving up.   Jillian should have comforted her…should have believed the best about her.    She should know her well enough by now…to know she is going to listen and do the right thing…

I had another “ah ha” when they had the temptation.  Everyone wanted it…THE POWER…BUT, when it was really someone’s, it was a horrible thing to have, and the price they paid for it, was it worth it?    Like Bruce Almighty…  I believe the temptations on Biggest loser are never a good thing…best to stay away from them.   And concentrate on losing weight!

I am feeling a little down today…TOM is in the house…oh boy.  It was cold, and cloudy…didn’t help my mood either.

I looked at an art studio, for the 5th time…but decided…finally to not rent it.  Too risky.  The landlord isn’t on the up and up.   Town (where I am currently employed:) could shut me down because it is not up to code.  Landlord wants to rent it anyway…said basically, “you rat on me, I will shut you down.”  Wisdom tells me…don’t connect with this guy…too risky.   So, I watch one of my dreams go down the toilet…flushy, flushy.  Well…for now at least.   Seemed perfect…oh well.

I had a small chocoholic moment yesterday–I was a little out of control, and a small one tonight, but still maintaining and eating when I am hungry…

Tomorrow is a new day…

I know it does….but, I lost some serious weight today–at least 50 lbs LOL!

It felt good!  I was a MEAN, SPRING CLEANING MACHINE!   I got rid of old magazines, papers, stuff I don’t want anymore…vacuumed, dusted, did 4 loads of laundry, put it all away…moved furniture around….whew…you get the idea!   I feel like I was working out ALL day!  My feet hurt, (note to self…next time wear your T-shoes!)my back aches…but…the place looks Mahvalous!

I think I have been a little depressed.  And that is what brought on the binging, and sitting…and BUTT clutter!!!!!

I was praying with a friend last night, she is having some serious problems…and somehow, I think my prayers for her have helped me today!!!!!  I feel goood, doo dee doo dee doo dee do….Like I knew I should…I FEEEEEEL good….LIKE I KNEW I COULD!

Well…just wanted to pop on and tell all you guys that I am doing better.  Not binging…which is HUGE for me!!!   And waiting until I am hungry to eat…stopping when I am full!  So…things are better.  Still haven’t made it back to the gym, but I know I will.  I feel the fire burning inside…thanks to my buddies here…and it is just a matter of time before I am an inferno again!!!!!

Turn this up loud, and go toss some clutter, it might make your butt look thinner!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_sY2rjxq6M

Writing back to someone that commented on one of my blogs.  I had an epiphany.  Maybe, if I stay here, and read and encourage, maybe…it will re-light my fire!  I am like a hunk of cold coal or charcoal that once burned bright!  Soooooo maybe your hot healthy flames will leap into my heart and I will get on fire again!

I heard someone say that when a log is in the fire, it stays hot, and will keep on burning for a looong looong time…but when it rolls out of the fire, it will easily go out!   I need you guys!!!!  You hold the matches that will relight the desire burning in my heart…and help me start to burn the fat off my body again!    So come on buddies, light my fire!

Another ah-ha moment for me this week is…simple, yet, for me…profound really.  All this time…I thought I was just fat…but actually, I am full of energy!  Really, I am like a big container of fuel.  1/2 of me is stored calories.  Fuel reserves if you think about it.  If 1 pound = 3500 cals, I have about 350000 extra of them in my body…soooooo.  I need to burn them!  I can’t just deplete them, because then the body wants to store more…counter productive.  I need to eat, and work out…but most importantly…I need to turn my body into a lean, mean, fuel burning machine.  THAT needs to be my focus, to become an athlete!  Like the people on biggest loser.  They are working out like crazy…and the weight loss is incredible.  And they get in trouble if they don’t eat enough…  Bob and Jillian are on to something…

I HAVE to eat enough calories to keep my fire stoked…and then exercise enough to burn the energy, more exercise…the more weight loss…that is it!

Sooooo does anyone anyone out there have a match I can borrow?   I’m just a vessel of fuel waiting for someone to light my FIRE!!!!!  So I can be HOT again: )!

Up late and watching it now…

Watched biggest loser last night!  So tired of watching others do it.  And I still have not committed completely.  Does anyone have a  big hammer they can hit me over the head with?  what is it going to take before I get it?

I have stopped binging.  So things are leveling out for me…so it is looking more hopeful.

OMG there is Valerie Bertinelli in a bikini??? and did she say she is 47?

Why can she do it and I am not doing it?   Coming up on my 1 yr anniversary here on BS…and when I read my old posts, when I was “on program”…it seems foreign to me!

Honestly, I know I am going to do it…but, just keep thinking when…when will I get it!?   When will all the planets align…

when when when????

Last night I was thinking…just 500 cals less cals a day would equal a pound a week.   And if I did 500 cals worth of exercise, that would be 2 lbs a week.  So simple…yet…so ridiculously, seemingly out of the realm of possiblity…for me!  I just can’t figure it out.  I just gotta start getting REAL!

Now Marie Osmond.  She is free.  Started dieting when she was 10…when she heard someone refer to her as the fat little girl.  Then told to lose more weight during the years with Donny and got in the 90’s.  CRAZY!

Star Jones now…looking happy and good!  Oprah told her she looked good…and she said, “Spanks!”

She got to 307!  and lost 167 pounds…through gastric bypass.  Oprah is asking her if she was really happy when she was overweight.  She said…no…she had gotten so big…she was scared.   She said she still dreams of her favorite thing…double wopper with cheese.  She did the surgery…because she felt like she was dying.  She realized she was depressed…and that was what caused her to overeat…turn to food.   Eating alone.  She said…she was faking it.  Maybe that is what I am doing?  Maybe I am hurting…and don’t know how to deal.   She said she was “ashamed.”  Well that I know about myself.

Her doctor told her she would have died if she hadn’t done it.

I don’t want to have to hear those words…Do or Die…but maybe that is what I need to start focusing on.  That truly, if you ARE MORBIDLY obese…then doesn’t that mean…it is Do it or eventually you will Die?

She is discovering who she really is now, and said she had to lose the weight in her head…get healed emotionally.

Sorry…I am in a rambling mood…it is almost 2am…and I need to get on to bed.

Blessings to all of you on the road to recovery, to discovering who you really are, and getting real.  Stepping out of the crysalis…and spreading your wings!  I pray tonight, that God will give you the key to what will give you success for your journey!