Becoming a Butterfly

Watching Biggest Loser…and it is awesome tonight!  Tara is “the one to beat” and they all ganged up on her this week.  They gave her 250+ pounds to pull behind her.  It hurt her, and made her feel defeated, and start considering quitting the show.  But she found her mojo, it was like all the buckets of water they poured on her became gasoline, and she went for it, and still beat them all–and won immunity!!!  She even got to do victory laps and doughnuts in the race car.

Watching it, I was crying and cheering for her…I really identified with her.   Not just with the weight loss, but with other stuff going on in my life.  Do you ever have people try and sabotage you just because they are jealous of you, or because they are not happy with who they are?  I have experienced that…and it hurt me.

It makes me think of Joseph in the bible.  His own brothers hated him and wanted to kill him.  Because he was blessed, favored, and gifted.  But he, like Tara continued to do what they knew was their personal best!  Joseph because he loved His heavenly Father.

Jealousy is so ugly.  I don’t want to ever be like that…

Today I was feeling defeated…on multiple levels, and seeing Tara choose to do her best, no matter who was out to get her…well…it has inspired me.  Reminding me that I need to remember that this is something I need to do for me…and learn it is ok to be the best me I can be…no matter what anyone else does…I am going to spread my wings and fly!

I decided to go for a walk, changed clothes probably 6 times, nothing seemed to look ok…finally decided on something to wear…and left home.

Once I was driving, I decided to go on a couple of errands instead.  Afterwards I drove to the gym.  Haven’t been there is so long…I was embarrassed.  I was stuck…  Couldn’t get out of the car.

Drove home.

Maybe once it is dark I will muster up the courage to step out again.  Right now, I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I am only a couple pounds more than I was the last time I started, but this time…I just feel HUGE!  Defeated…sad.

Keep thinking, what is the point?  Failure on top of failure is mounting up to seem like a mountain before me.

Does anyone have any climbing gear I can borrow?

“It is never the fall that kills, it’s the sudden stop at the end.” - Mountain Guide’s Handbook

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” The Beauty of the Mountain is hidden for all those who try to discover it from the top, supposing that, one way or an other, one can reach this place directly. The Beauty of the Mountain reveals only to those who climbed it…” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I have been thinking about buddyslim all day, cruisin’ around the site…seeing who is still around, and reading old blogs of mine.  Missing all of my friends here.  Feeling re-inspired…considering writing a blog again.  But….

then…I went to my email and there it was, my title.  “Don’t be a diet dropout.”   Here is the article…

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/how-to-stay-on-a-diet?ecd=wnl_wlw_032109

The last little pointer…Don’t get discouraged if you regain!

Sound’s easier than it is!  Trust me.  It seems like when I started slipping away…I am on a cliff…falling faster than the speed of light…grasping for anything I can to try and get a grip…falling right back into the pit of face stuffing-eating out-give me those fries-compulsive kinda dining…oh no…it is not pretty. 

In that pit, there are no restraints…no second thoughts…no concerns for the consequences…it is just all about trying to fill that hunger.

When does it stop?  Why is it there?

I have been reading the book by Oprah, make the connection.  I have read it before, but my husband is going through some books, and it was on the top of a stack…so I started reading it again.  To SEE if I COULD go ahead and MAKE the CONNECTION…

I am feeling a little more connected…at least close to it.  Not making the best decisions yet, but feel a level of sanity coming back to me.  Praying…flirting with the idea again.

Yes, I do believe there is a desire to try again…so I have started looking at the quick fixes…but talking myself out of them…knowing it is just going to be hard work and determination…with a commitment to take the time and have the patience to persevere!

Wonder why it takes me so long to DECIDE to get’er done?  Why can’t I just DECIDE to do it…and make it happen?  What is the drawing to this dysfunctional lover? 

I know it is an addiction for me.  I can tell because, I run to food for comfort.  I use it to cope.  It is an idol…something I place before God…expecting it to satisfy…

But it just makes me hungrier…and hungrier…more and more unsatisfied.

This week google had on their search page, one of my favorite children’s book author/illustrators, Eric Carle…

And the very hungry caterpillar…my familiar friend…

I am just wishing it was Sunday…and I could build my coccon…and just come out a beautiful butterfly!