Becoming a Butterfly

ok…

I think, hope, pray that this binge I have been on for weeks now comes to an end.  I have been eating out of control.  Still observing myself…trying to figure it out.  What in the world makes us one day be SO determined to change, to take control, to do the work…and then another day later be so…so…not?

Wondering when the change will come!  When will it come?  Is it up to me?  Is it my job, or is it God’s?  I certainly know that I cannot continue in my sin and expect change…but still…there is the underlining…something or other that “makes” me do this to me.  What is it?  That is the mystery, the revelation, the key that will certainly unlock the door and welcome the change to come to me.

Sadness tries to take me…but I find that anxiety and regret normally win.  And there is a familiarity with this place I am in.  Been here so many times before.  So many times.  Is there a comfort in it?  Maybe…at least there is a knowing that it seems to be a wave, and that if I ride it long enough…and hold on…it will pass.  Remember the scene with Tom Hanks from the movie, Castaway…when he finally beat the winds and made it past the barrier that had always thrown him back to the shore.  And come to think of it…wasn’t there wings involved?  ok…going to get a pic…brb.   There is the pic on the package…see it…wings!  A lot like Butterfly wings.

Here he is building the boat…and remember he painted the wings on the porta john that he used as the sail.  I am sensing that God is ministering to me…bear with me.  I think he is telling me that His ways are not mine…and that He is doing something in me.

Remember in the movie, when he got back…how different he was than the people he had once been so at home with.  They didn’t get him.  He didn’t get them.  There was a world of difference between them…because he had been through it.  He had been through something they could not comprehend.After that…he went looking for the artist that had inspired him to press through–to get past the barrier that kept him on the island.   The artist that had given him wings to fly away from that dreadful island.

 Guess that is how I feel…like a castaway on an island.  With a wind barrier all around me…I need to find my wings, my determination.  Or do I need to go to the Artist that has shown me my wings?  Maybe I just need to seek Him and ask Him to change me…because it is really something I cannot do on my own. 

Lord, I don’t know what to do…but you know me, and you know exactly what I should do.  So I look to you and ask you, “Where are my wings?  And how do I do this in Your power?  Forgive me for overeating and using food like a crutch in my life, when I have the God that created the universe to turn to.  Help me Lord live according to your Word!  Set me free from this addiction that has already stolen so much from me.  Help me Jesus!