Hey, does this blog make me look fat?
I am watching the scale, and amazed that it is not moving higher than it already has…only 2 lbs over where I usually hover. The last month or so, I have NOT been working on my weight loss. No exercise, no counting of the calories…I have not called my trainer back to set up a time for us to meet.
I am over it.
I just have lost my desire, motivation, hope…maybe even my will to lose. Not sure why…but, it has happened. Don’t know when the motivation will come back. So, I am enjoying eating whatever I want, but not enjoying the times that I over indulge.
My son came for the visit, and it was wonderful. A bit overwhelming to me. Just seeing him, and his fiance… The dynamics relationally. I have been kinda quiet processing it all. He wants to come home, with his fiance…and go to school…which is WONDERFUL…but also daunting for me. Knowing the balance of what to help him with, and what to let him do for himself. I wish I had enough $ that I could just send him to school…but…I can’t. It brings up all the past pain of not being able to do for him like I wished I could. The feelings of being an inadequate mother…and the shame of being an unwed mother…living below poverty level. We will have to apply for financial aid, and with the school here and him there…and me here…I will probably have to do some of the leg work for him. This kinda stuff overwhelms me…and him too. Please pray for us that someone will help us sort it all out!
Yesterday, I met with a counselor about my marriage. She is the wife of the gentleman my husband and I met with recently. My husband left town while my son was here. He went to a church meeting and came back saying that God had changed him. He’s been working so hard to show me the change. BUT, I can’t trust it. I talked to the counselor about it, and she understood…and said that was wisdom. I told her some about our relationship, and she also agrees that my husband and I should separate. That way, he can work on him, and I can work on me. I always help him…too much. And get lost in the process. She said, that when I tell him he has to leave, I will be able to see if he has really changed or not. I left that meeting overwhelmed…sad…wondering how I can afford to live on my own again, how can I have this strong of a boundary…and went shopping??
I was shopping and got very hungry, so I opened a bag of whole grain pita cinnamon brown sugar chips…and knoshed away. Then I thought, hmmm….better get some protein, shwooop…I opened a can of almonds…and then I saw some chocolate covered ones…for…dessert…yeah, that’s it. It was my dessert:) On the way home (in the car) I took out some pastry puff cheese sticks I found too…and they were oh so yummy….and I was satisfied. Was it a binge? Sorta…I was a little out of control…lost in the eating.
It would have been ok…but when I got home…and hour or so later, my husband asked, what’s for dinner? I should have said…I am full…I don’t want dinner…but…alas…nope.
I preceded to go ahead and make him soup and a sandwich and one for me too. I at least had the fortitude to not eat all the soup, but the damage was already done. So…I was sick. Sicky, icky, yucky–that I-kinda-ate-too-much-after-Thanksgiving-dinner feeling.
Today, I still have not eaten anything…and I am JUST now getting hungry. My body was like…no…I need a break. You made me sick with all that garbage yesterday. So tonight, I am having a reasonable sit down dinner… where I will be conscious, and deliberate with my choices! Good choices for me.
I guess that is where I am right now. After the seeing my son, and meeting with the counselor, and having to consider such big changes in my life…I am realizing, that I am co-dependant. The definition being, someone that tries to help others, but in a way that causes them to hurt themselves. I am realizing that I need better boundaries, with my son, my husband, my food and myself.
How do I do this?
It will have to be by the Grace of God.
This blog was so good to read. So real, and hit home in so many ways.
It’s good that you can identify the problems- that’s the first step to over coming them, and trust me, I’ve got a lot to get over myself.
Just work on getting back at it and making things better, one step at a time!
Thanks for the blog!
This blog does not make you look fat. It makes you look like you’re doing a lot of thinking. When you get things all worked out in your mind, then you’ll be ready to take action. You hear people say it all the time…”take back your power”. Those four words, so easy to say, so hard to do. I know you will do it, when you’re ready. Love you, Chrisie
Chrisie, I agree with Sandy, this does not make you fat. You are doing the right thing now, you are identifying the problems and what and why, that is the first step for recovery. If you just kept eating and going, why why, that would be a problem but you are realizing what is the problem. Now, you work on getting an answer to that problem.
MOtivation, well, you are going through a lot of emotional upheaval right now and that is enough to throw anyone around but what you have to do now is to stop eating! By you feeling your life is not controlable, you are putting that feeling into your eating but one thing you CAN control is your eating. I think you should take that step first, stop the emotional eating and get on rack even though you don’t feel motivated. Once you do that, you will feel at least a part of your life is going alright. Don’t begrieve past. You did the best you could for your son and you, you have done great. Look at your son now, he has turned out well. Nobody is perfect, only God so why are you expecting perfection from yourself. So, put down the pastry puff and slowly back away with yoru hands free. The trick here to stop now, before the gain runs away with you and makes you feel worse then you feel now. I know you can do this . Read back on your past blogs and feel your power! We are here for yoU!
Based on this blog, it appears you’ve already made some hard core decisions and have taken steps to make changes in your life. I hope someday you stop feeling guilty as a mother. Do we ever? Your son sounds like an amazing man, and that credit goes to you.
About separating and telling your hub he has to leave? Do you have a pastor that you trust and can share with? What has God been telling you to do? Have you heard HIS voice? I know my marriage sucks in many, many, many, many ways.
Often, I fantasize about him leaving and how happy and at peace I would be. Then I saw FireProof and my perspective changed in many ways. I’m in a similar situation and I pray daily in hopes of change and wisdom. I am praying for you as well. So many marriages are in trouble. Divorce is an epidemic. Let’s be prayer partners and lift every relationship to God in hopes of healing.
I agree with everyone here, the blog does not make you look fat. I love Sandy’s quote “take back your power” she’s right. Only you have the power to make a change.
You can do it. You’re a great mom and soon to be mom-in law! Your son adores you and what you’ve done for him makes him a stronger man and a more humble man because he knows the value of a dollar and value of mom’s undying love.
You have a lot going on and to sort through. We sometimes need to take a step back to appreciate what we do have. Take your time, re-focus and get back in the game when it’s right for you.
You can do it!
BIG CHRISIE HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
No, it does not make you look fat! I agree with everyone else. It is time to take care of YOU!
Biggest HUGS!
Thank you for your honesty. I can relate to so many things in your blog. My heart wants some time off from my marriage also for my health but I can’t get my husband to leave. I actually put away the scale for 2 weeks and gained 4 pounds. I am so sad but I know this is a journey for all of us. sometimes we are working hard and sometimes we put our running shoes up and rest a bit even if it is with a bag of chocolate covered nuts.
not much I could add… so much good advice and support already
hang in there
I appreciated thsi blog. I will continue to pray for you. I agree, God is in control, and He can help you to be the best you can be. Hugs, Kama
I agree with everyone too. I’m glad you were able to put in to words what I’ve been feeling too motivation wise. Gosh I wish there could just be a switch that would turn the motivation back on! Take back the power! Thanks for writing this one~
Wow…this was a good blog and so wanted me to put an arm around you and say “hey girl…pray to God and this will all work out. Just keep the faith”. So many thing you said I can so totally relate to in my own life. The co-dependency, the bad mother feelings I have for my own oldest son because I was a single mother and the eating incident. When we have troubles it is hard to focus on what we are putting into our bodies because it is a day to day struggle. Then pile life on top of it and we break. Just remember there are people here for you when you need them. I have found that out since joining the site. Just keep your faith, pray and God will be your rock to lean on. Just trust him. God Bless and take care.