Becoming a Butterfly

I am watching the scale, and amazed that it is not moving higher than it already has…only 2 lbs over where I usually hover.   The last month or so, I have NOT been working on my weight loss.  No exercise, no counting of the calories…I have not called my trainer back to set up a time for us to meet. 

I am over it. 

I just have lost my desire, motivation, hope…maybe even my will to lose.  Not sure why…but, it has happened.   Don’t know when the motivation will come back.   So, I am enjoying eating whatever I want, but not enjoying the times that I over indulge. 

My son came for the visit, and it was wonderful.  A bit overwhelming to me.  Just seeing him, and his fiance…  The dynamics relationally.  I have been kinda quiet processing it all.  He wants to come home, with his fiance…and go to school…which is WONDERFUL…but also daunting for me.  Knowing the balance of what to help him with, and what to let him do for himself.  I wish I had enough $ that I could just send him to school…but…I can’t.  It brings up all the past pain of not being able to do for him like I wished I could.   The feelings of being an inadequate mother…and the shame of being an unwed mother…living below poverty level.    We will have to apply for financial aid, and with the school here and him there…and me here…I will probably have to do some of the leg work for him.  This kinda stuff overwhelms me…and him too.  Please pray for us that someone will help us sort it all out!

Yesterday, I met with a counselor about my marriage.  She is the wife of the gentleman my husband and I met with recently.  My husband left town while my son was here.  He went to a church meeting and came back saying that God had changed him.  He’s been working so hard to show me the change.  BUT, I can’t trust it.  I talked to the counselor about it, and she understood…and said that was wisdom.  I told her some about our relationship, and she also agrees that my husband and I should separate.   That way, he can work on him, and I can work on me.  I always help him…too much.  And get lost in the process.  She said, that when I tell him he has to leave, I will be able to see if he has really changed or not.  I left that meeting overwhelmed…sad…wondering how I can afford to live on my own again, how can I have this strong of a boundary…and went shopping?? 

I was shopping and got very hungry, so I opened a bag of whole grain pita cinnamon brown sugar chips…and knoshed away.  Then I thought, hmmm….better get some protein, shwooop…I opened a can of almonds…and then I saw some chocolate covered ones…for…dessert…yeah, that’s it.  It was my dessert:)  On the way home (in the car) I took out some pastry puff cheese sticks I found too…and they were oh so yummy….and I was satisfied.   Was it a binge?  Sorta…I was a little out of control…lost in the eating.

It would have been ok…but when I got home…and hour or so later, my husband asked, what’s for dinner?  I should have said…I am full…I don’t want dinner…but…alas…nope.

I preceded to go ahead and make him soup and a sandwich and one for me too.  I at least had the fortitude to not eat all the soup, but the damage was already done.  So…I was sick.  Sicky, icky, yucky–that I-kinda-ate-too-much-after-Thanksgiving-dinner feeling.

Today, I still have not eaten anything…and I am JUST now getting hungry.  My body was like…no…I need a break.  You made me sick with all that garbage yesterday.  So tonight, I am having a reasonable sit down dinner…  where I will be conscious, and deliberate with my choices!  Good choices for me.

I guess that is where I am right now.  After the seeing my son, and meeting with the counselor, and having to consider such big changes in my life…I am realizing, that I am co-dependant.  The definition being, someone that tries to help others, but in a way that causes them to hurt themselves.  I am realizing that I need better boundaries, with my son, my husband, my food and myself. 

How do I do this? 

It will have to be by the Grace of God. 

http://www.oprah.com/dated/oprahshow/oprahshow_20081001_biggestloser

TV’s toughest trainers have helped over 100 people shed more than five tons! Now, get weight loss secrets from The Biggest Loser. Find out how they did it! (PG)

Tune in on 10/30 to watch this show

Way to go ANGEL!!!!!  This week’s biggest loser!!!!

Angel 5 1.5625

Jenn 3 1.463414634
Chereese/Dream girl 3 1.071428571
Jo 2 0.991571641
kim 2 1.020408163
stacey 2 0.881057269
stacey 1 0.448430493
Debbi  1 0.446827525
Dorey 1 0.666666667
Julie 1 0.401606426
Kate 0 0
Ashley 0 0
Nancy 0 0
Rebecca Dawn 0 0
sandy 0 0
Tiffany 0 0
Sheena 0 
Samantha 0 
Bette Jo -1 -0.485436893
Florence -2.2 -0.850734725
Chrisie  -3  (pay no attention to this number…my son was here…and I lost all focus:)

How about that show?  I am REALLY disliking that Vicki girl more and more every show…and her husband too.  Could they be anymore manipulative.  I think that Heba is just a pawn in their game play.  I loved seeing Phil and his wife at the end…made me cry.  What a special couple they are!  And the black team totally rocks!  Excited about the previews, but not that they won’t be back for 2 weeks…I guess we will wait a week to have our weigh in???  What do you think?

Here are just a couple of my pictures!  It was a blessed day!

Today I had time with my son and his fiance at the butterfly house and the mall.  My husband called and is being blessed at the Christian conference he is attending.  Getting lots of prayer.  Did I tell you that a door opened for him to stay with people at their home for free?  God is good!  He made a way for us all.

Every good and perfect gift comes from above!

God gives me rainbows and butterflies as gifts!  It is something special between Him and I. 

The rainbows have been in my heart since I was a little girl. 

The word from the woman last night said that God was going to keep His covenants with me…and set me free.  Today, I believe He confirmed it for me.  I don’t care if anyone thinks I am crazy…I KNOW that He is real…and speaks to us.   If only we will listen!

Blessings!

BTW…your comments to my last blog were like wind beneath my wings!

Today was my day with my son…and we FINALLY got to hang out!  AND it was a blessing!  I took him shopping…got him sooooo many clothes.  He looked so handsome… (proud mommy moment:)

At the first check out we went to, I sent him away…so he couldn’t see how much I was spending on him.  And I started to explain to the clerk how, when he was little…I raised him alone, and never had money to just take him out and buy him clothes.  And how much it meant to me to do that for him…and I started crying…it choked me up.  The man behind the counter walked around and handed me the bag…and gave me a big ol’ hug.  When my son saw me…he was like…”Mom, is that a happy cry?”  And I said…”yes son…I am just so happy I can bless you.”

So happy:)

We just shopped and shopped.  Everything we wanted seemed to be on sale!  We laughed and had a blast…just like old times.  I was so afraid it would never be the same…but it will…and it is.  The love we share can never be taken away.

At the mall, I ran into an old classmate, from 5th grade:) Well, he is also a friend from a church I used to go to.  He is very prophetic, (hears from God)…and tells people what he hears…to encourage them.  He told me about a ministry that is helping children.  Some of you may know…God has spoken to me about feeding, clothing, and housing orphans all over the world…but I am not sure.  So he starts telling me about this ministry that is blessing children.  My ears perk up.  He suggests that I give to them.  I asked…is that from you, or God?  He didn’t say…

My son and I left, and he found us again later upstairs…he was looking for me, and started giving me scriptures that I needed to read about how God blesses you, if you bless the poor.  So…I think it was from God.  This gentleman has spoken to me prophetically before…and it came true…so I trust him.  I will definitely take it to the Lord though and see what He says!

Then later we went to my sister’s…and a friend of hers came by.  We started praying…and she started giving me a word too…

Wow…

She didn’t even know me…but God did.  She said so much…so much to encourage me…more than I could write here.  But the part I want to share with you is…she said that I God gave me a body, soul, mind and spirit…and 3 of those are in order, and the forth one is coming.  Not to worry, that God will do it for me.  That it is coming…and to trust that God will do it for me!  Not to wear myself out trying to get my body in shape…but to trust God.  WOW!!!  Good word huh?

I know a lot of you think there is too much “religious” stuff on here…but I have to tell you…Jesus is Lord over all…and He will do it.  For me, for you.  He loves us all so much…and this is not a hard thing for Him.  He is the Healer!  Deliverer!  Sanctifier!  I have decided He is my new Personal Trainer!!!!   and Nurtrionist!!!   My Doctor specializing in LOVING Me!

Tomorrow I am taking my son and his fiance to the Butterfly House…taking my camera!  Looking forward to it!

 Have you seen a chocolate cookie running around here????  She ran 6.6 lbs off this week…!  And with the highest percentage of weight loss too!!!

Weigh to go JO!!!!

Jo                      203.7             6.6                3.24005891

Lori and Kim were right up in the front with her!!!

Everyone did much better this week! 

I am off to watch the show on my DVR…while I drift off to sleep!

Thanks for your patience with me tonight!  My son and I are having a blast.  Going to the Butterfly house tomorrow!
Jo 203.7 6.6 3.24005891
Lori 236 5 2.118644068
kim 198 4 2.02020202
Jenn 208 3 1.442307692
stacey 224 3 1.339285714
Debbi  224.8 3 1.334519573
Bette Jo 205 2 0.975609756
Angel 325 2 0.615384615
Joy ? 1 #VALUE!
Gina 180 1 0.555555556
Steph 235 1 0.425531915
Chrisie 240 1 0.416666667
Katie 283 1 0.35335689
Florence 256.4 0.4 0.15600624

Kate 180 0.2 0.111111111
Chereese/Dream girl 283 0 0
Julie 250 0 0
Ashley 233 0 0
Rebecca Dawn 224 0 0
Tiffany 167 0 0
sandy 159 0 0
Sheena 186 0 
stacey 229 0 0

Patricia 184 -3 -1.630434783

Post your weight below and let’s see how we did this week!!!!

He has called a couple times along the way.  Got a late start today.  He keeps apologizing…but I understand.  It is his first real road trip–in his own car.  6+ hours.  He is bringing his fiance, but dropping her at her dad’s before he gets home.

I am supposed to meet him at my mom’s, but now it is going to be soooo late, I wonder if I should just wait.  I miss him…but know he needs his sleep.   But he said…he really wants me there…

Someone I work with is VERY sick, and can’t work tomorrow from 1-6…so I told her (even though I asked for the time off) I’d work for her.  My son could meet me there and we could have dinner afterwards.   Now I am wishing I’d not agreed to work…but I felt so bad for her…and I thought my son and I would have the evening together.  Oh well…I trust God will work it out for us.

Washed, compounded, and waxed my car today.  Detailed the inside, cleaned the carpet/upholstery/windows…etc and shined up all the plastic.  It was WAY overdue!!!!  It was a blessing because it helped keep my mind off my son driving so far.  Now it looks and smells like a new car! 

While I was cleaning it…I was thinking about how bad my car looked…and how it had been neglected for so long.  Was thinking, “I am loving it…just like God wants me to love myself. ” My husband came out and helped me some, and we took it to a carwash and vacuumed it together.  When we were finished, he said, “Your car looks like someone loves it.”  Funny…he didn’t know what I had been thinking:)

Yesterday was stressful with my husband, but today we have been getting along better–he is being so helpful, but I know that we still need some time apart to get some healing…individually and as a couple.   I think he is starting to realize that his behavior has consequences.  AND what he is potentially going to lose when he is away from me.  It will be good for us both though to let the relationship rest…and see what happens.

Rumor has it that a full time position will be coming available at the Town.  I don’t know when or what…but I will hang on, and stick around.  I sure love the people there, and feel like it would be a good place for me.  

I have been applying for full time jobs like crazy.  AND I got a call from the local Small Business Association…I think.  My husband answered the call when I was at work…so he didn’t get all the details…she said I would know who it was…but I didn’t?  Oh well, I will call her back on Monday.

I have been eating what I want…but only when I am hungry.  Not over eating, but definitely not being careful about what it is.  Not quite back to my disciplined eating and exercising yet.  The scale is staying the same.  Been a little sad today wishing that I would have had more of a change in how I look since my son left.  I wish he could see all the work I did…and be proud of me:)  Oh well…maybe he will see a difference.

Overwhelmed today.   Heavy hearted.

Was just chatting with a DEAR friend/sister…and was planning to go soak in some scripture, and then drift off to sleep…when the urge to blog came on me.

This picture above was one I came across when I was talking to another sister recently.  She, like me…like ALL of us…is going through…stuff.   So…you know me…it makes me start thinking…

Life is like the Rain.

Different times, different seasons.  Different kinds, different reasons.

There are spring showers…and that is when the flowers grow…when the season of rest or death is ending and things are ressurrecting once again.  Hope is renewed.

Afternoon showers usually are around in the hot days of summer.  They are the ones that wash away the heat of the day, clean the gutters out, and cause the steam to rise off the roofs and the streets.

Many times the rain brings wind with it.  And it blows, sometimes gently, other times with violence and force.   It knocks dead branches and fruit out of the trees…and really shakes things up.

Sometimes the storms frighten us with the thunder and lightning…flooding the land with its excess.   But, did you ever notice, it is after the biggest storms that the sky and the gardens seem to look the most beautiful, clean and fresh?

Today is a sprinkling day here.  drip…drip…drip.  Just enough to wet the sidewalk and the grass…to take away the sunshine and cast a dreary feel to the whole day.   Bringing colder air with it.

When I was a little girl, sometimes we got to play in the rain.  It was a treat…a joy.  We laughed and loved getting soaking wet.   We would squeal with delight…  I especially loved using my feet to try and stop up the water making it’s way to the gutters.   Feeling its warmth as it travelled over my feet!

BUT, my very favorite type of rain, is the showers where the sun comes out, while it is still raining. 

It is a beautiful gift to see the Son reflected by the rain.  To see the colors of the spectrum refracted on every little drop. 

To stand and look to the horizon and know in your heart that a sign is coming.  A sign of a promise made long ago.  A promise to never flood the earth again.  A covenant of peace, protection…relationship for His children.  That is when I remember what it was like for me as a child

and how I used to love to dance in the rain.

Now I think I am ready for that nap…

http://www.obsessionthemovie.com/

 A couple of weeks ago we got a dvd in our paper.  I thought, “I’ll have to watch that sometime.”

Tried last week, but the DVD player was giving me trouble…but today, I got it to work.

This is really scary.  I mean FRIGHTENING people!!!   I am still watching it now…and they are comparing the radical islamic people to hitler.  VERY similar…

They are teaching children to be suicide warriors!!!!  They are teaching them to die for this cause.  They are sending them out to die with bombs tied on them.  What are these people doing to their own children?????

One lady said, on the movie, about the way the USA and other countries are not contronting this issue:  We are destroying our country with our political correctness.”

It gives you such a helpless feeling.

If you go to the website…there are things you can do to help.

Please get the DVD and watch it.  Wake up!

This is serious.  AND ANY canidate…EPSECIALLY if he is running to be the president… that is even associated with this radical religion, even as a child!!!  SHOULD be investigated and questioned about it!!!!!!