Becoming a Butterfly

Yesterday I worked all day.   As I was heading out, I started sneezing…and it was there all day.  I started feeling very run down.  Came home and went straight to bed.  Then passed out.  Woke up around 1:00 am, and then back to sleep…up at 9:00am…And now, I am sleepy again.  I must be fighting a bug.

Having my period too…yesterday was the first bad day.  Taking iron, echineacea, vitamin C, Vitamin A, and E.

This week was pretty good…I logged all week and (if I exercise today) got all my exercise in too.   Didn’t meet the 1200 cals…but stayed very close to the 1500…so that was good!  

Began adopting the biggest loser plan…the best part for me was less carbs…much less…and adding a lot of protein.  The protein took off the edge that I sometimes get when I get hungry.  It was like the hunger would come more gradually, instead of just making me feel crazy for food…and compulsive.

Did great with the fresh fruit, but still need to eat more veggies.   If I could just plan to eat a big salad every day I think that would take care of it!   Still need to watch the nuts…my hubby loves them, and eats them in front of me…so that makes it harder….no excuse…just the reality of it.

The scale is right at 240…and even went to 239 this week…so it is still just hovering.  But hoping that will change soon.  Feeling hopeful since I am on my period…that it is probably lower than that.  It was all the way up to 242 when I got back from my vacation.

Also hoping my period will be better on Monday…cause I meet with my trainer, Shana for the first time.  Woop Woop!

Excited, but also nervous.   We originally talked about getting together 2 times a week, but I proposed the same price for 3 times and she agreed!  Yeah!

What will she have me do?  Will I be really sore?  How much will we be able to do in 30mins?  Will it fit in my schedule?

Found out yesterday one of the customer service people is going to be gone for a couple of days, and that is when they usually call me to fill in, so that will make scheduling with the trainer harder.  But I know God will work it out for me…and I’ll have more $ to pay for the training!

Well…I think I am going to take a nap…sleep off this bug and get some much needed rest.

Hope you all have a great day!

Yesterday, when I went to get my hair done, I met Mohammad my new stylist for the first time.  He had a great smile and a joyful disposition.    Interestingly, he was in booth 316. 

I showed him the pics I brought on my laptop…so he could see what I wanted.  He said it was completely doable.  So we got started.  He worked with the skillful hands of an experienced stylist.  We chatted and shared.  He told me about his kids and wife…and I showed him pictures of my family on my laptop.  We were just 2 people sharing. 

He asked how my husband and I met and I told him at church…so our conversation went there.  He is a Muslim…I had figured he was.   He told me his beliefs and we compared notes.  There were things similar in our beliefs…but things VERY different too.  But we were polite and kept our conversation centered around, “God is so good.”  And how important “faith” is in our lives.

I told him that I was changing my hair to please my husband…and he seemed to appreciate that.    Then he then told me that his wife had divorced him not too long ago.  You could see the sadness in his face.  He said he hadn’t been able to talk about it for a full year afterwards.  Wow…  I asked, how will he meet a new woman…and he said, they don’t date, but meet through relationships.  He lives a very morally strict life.

There was one point in our conversation, where there was some tension…I told him, I didn’t know much about what a Muslim believed…but I knew that I wouldn’t like to wear something to cover up my hair.  It looked like it would be hot, and I like to feel the wind blow through it.  Then I told him that I believed I was ok with whatever he believed, that he should be free to believe whatever he wanted…but not force it on another.  God would never take away someone’s free will. He wants children to love Him because they choose to…not because He forces them to. 

I said, “You wouldn’t try to force me to be a Muslim would you?”  He got quiet…and looked down.  Then he said, “That is hard, because you want to share what you believe.”  But then I said, “But you wouldn’t try and force me to be a Muslim would you?”   He never said…but I asked him, ”don’t you want your children to love you because you are a good father to them…you wouldn’t force them would you?  What joy would there be in that?”

I said all that to say that we can’t force things in our lives.   Relationships, our religious beliefs…or even another’s weight loss.   We are all on our own journey, and we should be able to do it the way we want to.  We were created with rights…like freedom to choose or not to.  It is respectful to leave people alone and not use manipulative tactics to try and get our way….no matter how good what we think we are doing is.  God is that way.   As a Christian, I believe that Jesus submitted himself to God and became a servant…He said, “Not my will, but yours be done.”  Our will is ours and we can give it, or not.  It is our choice.   But no one should ever take that away.  People should also be allowed to blog here about anything they want to.  But, they should not force themselves, their beliefs…or their will on anyone.

Much of my weight issues are centered around people doing this very type of thing to me.  Playing games…manipulative, controlling, prideful people that abused my will.  I hate it and I am incredibly sensitive to it.   I had boyfriends that would cheat on me and then when I caught them, they would somehow play the victim and try to make it out like I was the villain.   Well, believe me…I see through those lies now.  And I do not play into it.   It is unhealthy and hurts people.  It is wrong.

• If you don’t like someone here…guess what? there are plenty of others to play with. 
• If you can’t say something nice…then don’t say anything at all. 
• If a blog offends you…then stop reading it.   
• If someone comes to you and they are offended by you, then keep it between the two of you and not make it the subject of your next blog.  It makes everyone uncomfortable…
• If someone pulls away from you…that is their choice…so leave them alone…and go on with your own life.    Let it go and move on.  
• But never ever tell someone they do not have a choice, or take away their freedom…I believe that is a right we all have been given and we should respect it!

http://www.buddyslim.com/images/userimages/15794/2nug1wvfqr82.jpg

to see a pic of my new do!

Tonight I went to the gym late, but I did go. 

When I got there my friend, the receptionist, right away said, “Your hair?”…oh no, that noticable?  She said it looked good.  She is 20…so I guess that is a compliment.  

She started telling me about her NEW love interest…it seemed that just the other day she was telling me about her fiance’.   We somehow turned the conversation to her tatoos…she has 5 and multiple peircings too… she showed me her belly button one…and how she can pull on the one in her tongue and it doesn’t hurt.

She wanted to chat, so I said, come hang out with me while I work out. 

This new man in her life is 28…and just broke up with his girlfriend that he used to live with…she filled me in on all of it.   Evidently he is a real hunk…

But then she said, “see that guy over there, he is kinda cute isn’t he…the one in the black hat?”   He was staring at her and she blushed and then laughed.

Her mind went back to the new guy, then she realized that she had left her phone at the front desk and took off running to get it, because he said he might call her.

As she was gone I turned on the TV and what was on the screen…but Pretty Woman, the movie.  It was the scene where she got to go shopping, and buy all those clothes…and then walk back in to the one shop that was so rude to her and say, “Big Mistake.”   She looked so confident…and polished.   Proud.  

My friend came back and she pulled up a pic of him on her cell phone and showed me.  Yes he was cute…in a cocky arrogant sorta way.  While she was on her myspace she said, gross, “my dad’s mood is “horny”…I did not need to see that. ”  I was just listening…and looking at her.  She is so beautiful.  I mean gorgeous.  Long dark hair, dark eyes with long lashes, a beautiful petite size 1 body…and young olive skin.  So pretty!!!!    I was listening to her, and thinking…does she know how incredibly beautiful she is?  

I asked, “Do the men flirt with you all the time here?”  She said, “You don’t even know.”  

But I do, or I should say I did.  I was her in my 20’s always looking for that next boyfriend, throwing myself at men.   Letting them use me and discard me.  I had no self esteem…although now I see I was beautiful.  People would tell me all the time.  I remember thinking…I wish they would stop saying that.  I didn’t believe it.

She talked some more about all the partying she had been doing, but trying to quit smoking and how she is already having sex with this new guy…and about all the men she has been out with since she broke up with her fiance in March (but they were together when I started going there in May)…

Just looked at her and listened.   Wanted to scream…stop it, stop it!!!!   Do you know how incredibly beautiful you are and that you do not have to do this.  There is a Man that will love you perfectly.   Do not give yourself away to these men!!!!

But I couldn’t, I just listened.

She went back to the desk and I started watching the movie again.  I started crying.  It was the part where he and she are laying in bed, being real and talking, and she is telling him how she became a hooker, and how she had low self esteem. 

Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?  

I remembered years ago, going to counseling after I had given my life to the Lord, and my counselor said to me.  I want you to watch Pretty Woman and come back and tell me what she realised.  I watched it, and I cried.  I bawled.  I wept.  I realized that she always was that Pretty Woman…she just didn’t know it.  She had something valuable to give that man.   I remember the last part when he wanted to keep her as a side thing,

Vivian: When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would- I would pretend I was a princess… trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight… on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time… that I had this dream did the knight say to me, “Come on, baby, I’ll put you up in a great condo.”  

Finally, she had realised how valuable she was and she said, “no, I want it all.”   Because for the first time in a long time she had self worth!   His love had shown her who she really was.

I finished my workout and waited until the young man with the black hat left…and I walked her out.  I wish I could take her shopping and to the opera.  I wish I could shower her with the same Love that washed away all my sins.  The stains that men left behind.  I wished she could have just one drink from His water so she would never thirst again.  But we just got in our cars…then she asked me if I had a lighter…I said “no…and don’t you stop by the gas station on the way home either.”  She said ok with a giggle, then we started our cars and drove away.

See you later pretty woman!

You know I love butterflies right…well…as I am writing this…I am listening to the tv Christian music channel…and guess what just came on…”Butterfly Kisses”. Don’t tell me there isn’t a God and He doesn’t care about each and everyone of us!? The line in the chorus: “Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.”   Read my last blog and you will see how amazing this is.  I wrote that hours ago!

I feel like the butterfly in me is spreading her wings…

I am excited and hopeful!!!!

Today I got my hair lightened…a totally new thing for me.  (trying to put a new pic on my page:)

Then, when I got home, I just found out, I got a promotion!  My supervisor emailed me with compliment after compliment…and told me she was promoting me!  Wow…

AND now I am working out and eating right.  No more caterpillar binging!

I have found a personal trainer.  Someone that is tough, but sensitive, like myself…and is a single mom like I was…

All of this is completely a new thing! 

The whole time I raised my son, I could never have done this…never have spent money on myself, without tons of guilt.  The years of abuse from men and pain of the past made me eat for comfort.   And hide myself below layers and layer of fat.

But now…it is a new day….

AND It feels so good to love on me!

To FINALLY learn to fly freely!

F inally

L oving

Y  ourself

I am going tomorrow to get my hair lightened from dark brown to a dark blonde with lighter highlights.   He likes lighter hair…so I am doing it to please him.  I HOPE it looks good this time.  Don’t get me wrong, I want my hair to be lighter now too…but it is more for him than for me!  This is a big step for me and I hope a wise one!   My husband just started working again, and I want to do something very special for him.   Besides, it is just hair, and it always grows back: )

Today I tried to eat only 1200 cals, but I couldn’t do it.  I was sooooo hungry!  I ate the 1500…but then still wanted more.  I know TOM should be coming soon…so maybe that is it.  I also didn’t workout today, cause I had to work.  They called me in, and I thought I’d be there from 1-10:00…but then it turned out to be from 3:30 - 10…but I took advantage of the extra time and took a power nap…instead of working out!

I sure love where I work!  We all get along so great and laugh together so much.  So grateful that God sent me there.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be calling/emailing my new trainer to start setting up times to get together.  Still nervous, but excited! 

Thanks again to everyone that was there for me during the decision to get a trainer…and do something just for me!

You guys all rock and I know together, we can do it!

Ok…

I like this new one. She is a no nonsense, tough girl…dare I say, Jillian-ish. Yep…definitely a Jillian girl.

She had long sweeping auburn hair, beautiful green eyes…and a strong demeanor. Her nails were painted a dark maroon…and her body was rockin’

She is the new head of the Personal Trainers where I already go.

She is a single mom of a 7 year old, since he was just 3 days old (that knowledge right there almost sold me on the spot)…but then she told me the words I longed to hear…

She was a fat kid. I think she said she was 180 when she was in 10th grade. Making me cry just writing about it for some reason.

She has been through a lot…and I like that about her. The girls got depth…and you gotta have that to hang with me. Oh yeah, and not to mention, kanoonas the size of Jillian’s:) if think you are going to make me workout in front of you.

I asked for references, and she put me on the phone with Mac, someone she has helped lose 130 lbs…(from 330) he COULD NOT stop singing her praises. He loves her…and said he will never have another trainer. She left the gym he goes to 45 mins away, but he still travels to train with her. She gave me another person to call too…

AND the best part, it costs less than half what the other “ADD player” wanted???

So…

I think I am going to do it.

Yep…I know I am.

yikes!   Jeronimooooooo

Ok,
Today 12:00 I meet with personal trainer #2.   Let me tell you about yesterday’s winner, I mean contestant.

He was short and muscular and kept looking around the whole time I talked to him…especially at the hot chicks.    He said that was because he was ADD…I say it is because he is a man: )  He smelled great, and told me it was Dolci & Cabana, and that it was important to smell nice when you were training people.  He looked Italian, but told me he was irish, but his dad was american indian…so that was why he had the dark skin.  He had a bit of a Brooklyn accent and Sylvester Stalone eyes, y’know, half closed.

He said he helped a lady lose 113 pounds in a year…and that he had 2 degrees in athletic training…that he was taught to train atheletes.   That is why he gets the 79/hour to train.  Let’s do the math…if he just trains 5 a day, then he would make 395 and that means over 100k a year…but I am sure he doesn’t get to keep all of that.

I asked him if he could help me run a 5k…and he said he was training for a marathon right now…so we could train together. 

I asked him if I could be normal weight by February, and he said, Oh yes, actually, I’d want you done by Christmas.  I asked him how much he thought I weighed, and he said 170.  That is 70 pounds less than what I actually weigh!  So then he redid the math and said, he would have me at 180 by February.  Dissapointing….but honest.   My guess is from his guess…he doesn’t train a lot of fat chicks.

He said he would help me, and would like to…but he said he wasn’t going to try and talk me into training with him, and gave me a card with his name on it.

We parted ways and I went to the furthest treadmill I could find, and here he comes with his next client.  He trained her right in front of me.  I watched him and he was just as ADD with her…so, not feeling so good about it.   He didn’t even acknowledge me either, the whole time he trained in front of me…that was awkward, and then later I saw him when I came out of the locker room and I started to say hello…and he stared right past me.  Weird.   If I am going to pay him all that $…then I want his undivided full attention…and good manners. 

While he was training her, I watched and wondered, can I do this?  Take directions for exercising from someone–in great shape, then do it in front of them…while they watch?   Hmmmm….rethinking this.  Wondering if just committing to some classes might be better for me…at least to begin with!   I KNOW I am worth the $ though…thanks everyone!

Ok…I will let you know how round 2 goes!

Last weigh in with the UNC Research folk, the amount of involvement with them was stepped up because I was 3 lbs from my goal.  So today was my counseling call with the dietician. I will get one once a month along with the regular monthly meetings. 

I was on my way home from the meeting with the personal trainer, talking to a buddy…and she called, but I didn’t know who it was…so I didn’t answer, then she called back…so I answered.  

I made the appointment with them last month AND they sent me a reminder…but some how I still forgot.   I think in all the excitement of meeting with a personal trainer???

She was so sweet…and spent an hour with me.  Told her about all of you…told her how to go online and check it out.  She did and was impressed…was also glad I was getting some support. (not as glad as me:)

Told her about the new Biggest loser food plan…trying to go to whole foods and eat less carbs and more protein throughout the day.   I had so many questions for her.  One of them was, “WHY ISN’T THE SCALE MOVING?????”  Basically she said I am probably forgetting to log some of my food…(and going out to eat too much).

Was she saying that, because I forgot about the call:)???   

Seriously…maybe that is it…but enough that I wouldn’t  lose anything????   I do go out to eat occasionally…

So I made a committment to not go out to eat for a month…and to log as soon as I eat…so I won’t forget!

She asked why I was looking for a trainer…and I told her I was frustrated with the scale not moving!   She basically said I didn’t need one…that I seem to have the exercise part down. 

I asked if maybe I wasn’t eating enough calories and it was affecting my metabolism…and she said, that is very unlikely.   That there is actually no data to support that!!!!?    That I could eat even less calories. 

WHAT?  So I said, ok…then how about I go down to 1200 then…would the scale move?  And she said, “Yes, definitely.”  So I said I want to do that.  So today I had 1300. cals.   Tomorrow I am going to go for 1200.  That way, if I am eating over, then maybe, maybe I will actually eat 1500…and the scale will move.  Either way, it will be a good thing!

She liked the fact that I was going for the whole foods.  Said that it will help me feel fuller with less calories because of the bulk.  And it is harder to miscalculate your calories too. 

AND since I am going to be eating more protein–more times a day–that will help me feel satiated longer.

She encouraged me to focus on the positive changes I have made…not the scale so much…but all of you tell me the same thing:)

I think that is mostly what we covered…

Tomorrow I meet with trainer # 2 so I will see how that goes…today…not so good…but I will fill you in tomorrow.

I have two appointments to meet with 2 trainers, at 2 gyms.  One today at 2:00.  Tomorrow at 12:00 noon.

Crazy how much it costs.  Crazy amounts of $. 

Is it worth it?  Am I worth it? 

Should I do this?

It will take almost ALL that I am making to pay for it…since I work part-time.

But both places are promising me they can help me…wonder if they will give me a money back guarantee???

The trainer I just talked to said I won’t like her…that if I leave the gym liking her, she hasn’t done her job.  She said she is also training for her first 5k…and I she will make sure I will be able to jog the whole way in the one I have signed up for in Nov. 

Feeling hopeful again…but scared.  I want to cry just thinking about it. 

It is a combination of things. 

I feel sooooo guilty spending $ on me.  All those years I was poor…as a single mom…money was so hard to come by…just hard to spend it on me.

AND…I am scared of pushing myself.  Making myself do it.  The sweat and hard work it will take…the stuff it will bring up!

Oh well by Thurs I will know more…

Pray for me…courage and strength…no fear:)

Drastic times call for drastic measures…

Christmas is coming, so is my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary…in February!!!!!  I do not want to be the fat one in the pictures this time!   I want to be normal weight by Valentine’s Day in February…

Could I do it?  That would be 14-15 lbs per month.

I know I could if I fasted…but I know, I know…it is bad for you…plus, I already found the weight loss plan that I want to use anyway.

So…what about if I worked out like crazy???? 

Biggest Loser is getting ready to start, and they workout 6-8 hours a day.  And they lose a lot of weight, in a short time.  So that has to be the key for me!

I want to jog the whole way in this 5k I have signed up for in November…so it is time to kick my big booty in to shape. 

My new goal is to find something to motivate me to outrun the clock…so I will be ready by the new year!

First thought is…should I just bite the bullet (and the wallet), and get a trainer?  Does anybody have any other suggestions?