Becoming a Butterfly

My weight went up 1 pound yesterday, and today another pound.  TOM is here, and I am sure that is part of the reason, but I have got to press through now, and start back exercising.  It seems to be hardest for me when it is that special time of the month.

Besides, I have gotten lax.  The problem with stopping, is you gotta start back.

I do not want to write down what I eat anymore.  I just don’t.

It has become a drudgery, a chore.  I put the info in the computer program and then I have to transfer it to a little booklet the researchers send me.   Find myself doing it all the day before I have to mail it in.  Don’t mind keeping track of my cals via the computer, but writing it all down AGAIN…is not so much fun.   This week I went several days without entering it, or writing it–a first for me since I started the Weight Loss Project.  I actually do not even know how many cals I had.  

What is going on with me?   Is it inertia?  I think the scales not moving has taken a toll on me…more than I realised.  But, I can begin again.  The week starts back on Monday, so that is when I will start, with the writing the stuff down…and the heavy exercising. 

I wish I was more excited about it, like I used to be…how do you get that motivation back.  Any suggestions?

A friend of mine wrote a motivational list, and reads it to remind herself why she is doing this.  I keep saying…I should do that…but haven’t…so here goes.  I am motivated to lose weight to:

• glorify God by taking care of the temple He has given me
• be healthy, physically and emotionally
• be comfortable in my own skin
• bless my husband (and wear something sexy)
• dress like I would like to
• wear a bathing suit and not be ashamed
• be able to cross my legs again
• shed the fear, shame and insecurity
• make my family proud, especially my son (who has never seen me at my normal weight)
• be athletic and strong
• be able wear sleeveless shirts again
• be able to tuck my shirts in
• like getting my picture made
• look in the mirror and be proud of my reflection
• wear shoes that look feminine
• get rid of the muffin top
• love myself inside and out
• be an inspiration to others
• help others
• be free…like a butterfly

Last night, I got enough sleep and went to bed hungry…and the scale was up one this morning.  So guess that is my signal to get busy again.  TOM is giving me a headache and making me feel nauseous…oh yeah…and grumpy.

Did NOT work with the trainer yesterday…or today, will have to re-think this.  I am not sure I want to work with this young lady.  The choices are limited at the gym I belong to….so I want to make sure I am making a good investment.  Did walk last night with my dog and husband, but just a short relaxed one.  Definitely not doing it for exercise.

Went to a movie last night…that got me thinking.   Nim’s Island…here is the trailer…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDYXX87GmPg&feature=related

Great for kids and families to see together.   It had a message to it…

The story was about a woman Alexandra Rover, that wrote about the daring adventures of a hero named Alex Rover…but she herself was a faint hearted woman, so afraid, she would not even leave her house to get the mail.  She was trapped there in her home.

She is trying to finish a book…doing research on volcanos, and needs to get information.  Ends up emailing a man that lives beside a volcano on an island alone with his 11 year old daughter.   His brave daughter is a big fan and emails her back.  Her dad has gone on a sailing research trip and doesn’t come back, people have found the island, and are invading it…so the girl asks Alex to come and help her.   She thinks Alex is the daring hero from the stories…that can help and rescue her.  The woman decides she must go and help this girl.  It is a big step for this fearful writer.  She has to finally face her fears and go out into the world, because she is motivated by her desire to help this young girl.   Motivated by love to save her.

It shows her journey.  It isn’t an easy one.  Actually, it seemed to be things were stacked against her.  Seemed the more determined she was to do the right thing, the brave thing, the harder it got. 

She was finally not just writing about a hero…but becoming the hero of her own story.  

That is the thing that I got out of this…

I am like this woman, stuck in this body covered in fat.  A caterpillar that wants to be a butterfly…but is afraid. 

How many of us are bound by fear, like this woman?  Is it a fear of the unknown?  Is it a fear of being free from the crysalis that keeps us safe?  Is it fear of being who we really are?  Fear of the journey, the obstacles?  The sweat, the pain…the loss of the securtiy food brings?  What is it…this fear that says it is impossible? 

We have to face it, like this woman, and know, that although we say it is impossible–with God, all things are possible.  We must listen to the girl inside of us that is crying out for help, and let our love for her motivate us to become the heros of our own story.

I will be a hard journey. 

There are new territories to face ahead.  Like scales, measuring tapes, gyms memberships, exercise classes, bathing suits, shopping for exercise clothes, smaller women in the gym, 5k’s, running, riding bikes, sweating in public, personal trainers…all new territory.  Not to mention the giving up stuff, like the security of our old familiar surroundings,  favorite restaurants or foods like, sodas, candy, ice cream, chips and pizza…

But, He will be there for us, at every dangerous turn, every new plateau, every new obstacle…He will make a way when there seems to be no way!   He will lead us and give us wings for the journey!!!   He has promised us!  And we will become the heros of our own stories…with wings to fly!   

Ok…
Not enough sleep again…
Got on the scale…expecting a gain
And “bam” 2 more pounds down!!!!!
This is exciting…maybe I am losing muscle???

…find out soon enough what all this resting and eating more has done to my fitness level…cause…

Today I start back the exercise…
I meet with a personal trainer at the gym. She is going to do a 30 min session with me for free. It costs $36 for a half an hour normally…and there are packages you can buy…
Today I will learn more.

Yesterday…
I had nuts, almonds, pistachios, and cashews…they were so good. Some of my favorite things that I had sworn off…because of the limited fats I am allowed…
But, since I am trying this resting, eating more stuff…I thought, now is a good time to have them.
They were yummy…http://www.backtonaturefoods.com/products_nuts.aspx

Well, I went and got my hair cut…and I say that loosely…
It was a joke. The stylist was the husband of the salon owner, new to styling…came from construction???

Ok, needless to say he was a little rough around the edges…especially his topics of conversation…not to mention just the way he handled my hair.
Really bizarre. He didn’t cut much…thank goodness…

After he cut? My hair, he wanted to diffuse it…so he had me bend at the waist while he blew it, and then flip it back, look at the ceiling, ok, now the side…I was getting a creck in my neck…
Well, the final time I flipped it over, it looked like I had stuck my finger in an electric socket…I am not kidding. His wife came running from the other side of the room…saying…don’t touch it…let me show you.

It was funny….she started spritzing it with some product like crazy and shaping it with her hands, saying, “curly hair is like Velcro”…or something like that…

They both said I had great hair…and should not cut it, but should grow it longer…especially the layers…since it is curly.   I will put a pic of the final results on my home page…

Anyway, I survived, but not sure what to do next…should I just go ahead and make the next appointment with his wife…or what?   We are supposed to do color next time…yikes!

 Hope everyone has a super terrific wonderful day full of veggies and fresh fruit, lean protein and complex carbs…

sweat and lots of water…but just don’t forget to get some sonshine!

I came to check in after my haircut…and there was no bs…??  W? H? A? T?

it said that the website could not be located…it was GONE.  I started thinking about all the people I was going to miss…no more blogs, no more boosters….what about all the friends, how would I ever talk to them again…what was I going to do with all my free time????

I panicked.

I kept checking to see if it was back online…wondering…what will I do, where will I go…and then…

all of a sudden

it was ba-a-a-a-a-c-k!!!!  Yippeee!!!!  HELLO BUDDIES!!!!  I missed you…even if it was only a few minutes…it made me realize, once again, what an important part of my day all of you have become!!!

ok…time for a cyber group hug!!!!!!!!!

Ok…

this is really weird…

but I am down 2 this morning, TOM is knocking at the door…AND I did not get enough sleep last night…

so I am thinking the girl knows what she is talking about.

It was hard yesterday to not exercise.  I felt like a lazy butt.   All night I kept asking my husband if he wanted to go for a walk…and then I would have to say…”no, I better not.”  It was kinda scary to not do anything…cause it has been 10 weeks and I have only missed one scheduled workout.   The week before last I worked out 325 mins…and the researchers have asked that we do 200…so I am well above my goals.   My calves are happy though.  They have hurt everyday since I started…and today, they still hurt when I really rub into the muscle…but a LOT less.

So, now the dilemma is, I am not sure how long to rest and eat the extra cals.   I ate a little over yesterday, but not the 150 I should have.  But it still seemed to work.  Dagny said that her Curves workout book said, “You eat more calories until you don’t gain weight, then you know your metabolism is higher, and burns the amount of calories you are eating.”

I really want to workout today, so maybe I will workout and eat a little over…maybe that will work.

Yesterday, I still had my frozen yogurt treat, but much earlier in the day…and I found one with better ingredients too.

Still meditating, thinking and debating (ok, I admit it…dragging my feet) giving up the sweet tea y’all.  Funny thing, I went through my diary from last week after getting it back from the Dr’s…and they had written in there, “you could sweeten your tea with splenda…and save some calories.”    Funny!   Splenda is a no no in my book…but I have been thinking about stevia, I just never can seem to get the amount right…so I told my hubby last night I will add a teaspoon to the pitcher one at a time, until I figure it out.  AND I will add fresh lemon to it, to hopefully cut some of the after taste.

If you have any suggestions…or ways to help figure out how to help this G.R.I.T.S. (girl raised in the South) to have her sweet tea, and drink it too…naturally (w/ no artificial sweetners!)  I shu would appreciate that now y’all: )   I wonder what Jillian would say….

Tonight, I was trying to catch up on blogs, and decided to listen to my music on my media player.  
A song ended and then one of the radio shows I have downloaded from KFI of Jillian popped up on my player, so I thought…oh, this is good timing….I will listen to this. 

So I was listening, and she was talking about a lot of things, answering questons…like how long to wait before training a muscle group…she said 72 hours and then to just to split them up…

or whether or not the microwave is good for food…(she said yes) 

How to motivate/support someone you love to stay active…she said to ask them what they needed them to do to support them.

Avoid eating high carb food at night cause that is when your body produces its HGH…and insulin will interfere with it…so avoid carbs at night before you sleep.

Losing the last 10 pounds…stay away from alcohol…excess calories, it lowers you ability to have will power, sets body up to store fat, releases estrogen, and releases insulin…

And then

a caller asked her what to do when you hit a plateau.

Ok…I stopped what I was doing…they had my attention. 

Well, I expected her to say, work harder, eat less…and stuff like that…but she didn’t….no…

She actually said to REST for a couple of days….and up your calories by 10%…wait a minute…what did she just say, rewind, what was that?

Hey… I know I can do that:)  

So I will try it!!!  I have not exercised today, and yesterday I gardened, not my regular exercise, and with my eating on Saturday…I think I have increased my cals enough, so tomorrow I will go back to the gym and see if I start to see a change.

TOM will be here very soon now…so, I will not expect too much.

I am also going to do a couple other things:

Start cutting out sugar…I have gotten into a couple of bad habits.

• Stop eating low fat frozen yogurt at night (finally read the label…first 3 ingredients, sugar syrup, corn syrup, and high fructose syrup–oh yuck)
• No more sweet tea (this is hard, cause I am from the south and I jus luv it y’all)

Get rid of processed foods

• Especially crackers/snacks

That is all I have for now…but I think these little changes will help!

Thanks to everyone that was so sweet with your comments on my last blog…it made me cry….’cause I felt all the love!

You guys are all such a blessing to me!

Well.  I have made it through 10 weeks of this… 

Weigh, wog, weights, blog, eat, log…rinse and repeat…

I have consistently met my goals…I’m not a slacker, I’m doin the work,  taking baby steps (anybody seen What about Bob?)

At first the weight came off…but now.   Nothing.   People have encouraged me to keep on keepin on…and I appreciate everything that was said.  I am taking it in and thinking about what to do next.

Meantime…yesterday…I just got tired of it.   So I gave in and said…what the hay.   I am going to eat for just one day like I used to everyday.  

AND so I had a day like the old days…when I was a just a very hungry caterpillar. 

I had a chimichanga (soft…not fried…at least I had sense to do that; )  I had chips with it, the fried ones, not baked.  Sour cream, quacamole…cheese on top.   Then later, I had half of a calzone, it was a veggie one, but still I ate all that cheese…ricotta, and mozzarella…  And that is not it…oh no…later I had popcorn…the buttered kind…definitely not the smart stuff.   BUT wait there is more…then I had milk duds..a whole box of them to go with the popcorn and a couple of dove chocolates to close out the day.

It was, I believe, a full fledged fit of rebellion.  My first one since I started in May.  I think my discouraged state of mind was just an opportunity for my impending PMS to take over all reason. 

But, don’t worry…today I was back on track. 

I noticed a couple of things when I abandoned the process for a day:

• I felt pretty bad after I ate all the fat for lunch.
• Didn’t like waiting so long to get hungry again.
• I definitely didn’t enjoy walking with all that stuff in my tummy, forget running.
• And although I did enjoy the popcorn and the milk duds, I still got compulsive with them and kept eating them, even when I was already satisfied–just like the old days…didn’t like feeling so out of control…it was embarrassing.

My conclusion…

It is not that great to give into your desires.  There is a trade off.  I want to lose weight more than give into my lust for food.  Being rebellious doesn’t do a bit of good.  You have to trust the process and press in.  Keep at it even when things don’t seem to be changing or the scale is not moving.  I know all of this…but it is the putting it into practice that is the hard part.

When I was walking yesterday and thinking about my weight loss…I was also thinking about all the people here that have really lost the weight…Kama, Bette Jo, Dorey, Rachel, Angelia…and all the others that inspire me.  I wondered about them, did they have days like this?  What did they do to make it through…?

I also had a major realization of just how admirable they are.  What a blessing it is for me to be able to glean from them.

So grateful for all of you…that you understand and can hold my hand and help me through!   Thank you!!!!!!!!

Wondering where I am going wrong.  Writing it all down…yep.  Exercising more and more…uh huh.  Less food…check.  Not binging anymore…again, yes. 

Then what is it?  I am eating 1500 cals a day and only 33 grams of fat…but still nothing, nada…no movement from Mr. Scale.  I thought, when the stall first happened…it was hormonal…now I wonder, since it has been a MONTH!!!

So I am wondering what is going on.  Could it be the carbs, late night eating, not enough sleep, am I not working out hard enough, sitting too much with my new job, too many cals?  WHAT could it be…maybe all of these…or just one? 

A friend of mine here gave me a food plan that she uses.  She has lost so much weight on it, but it is very restrictive.  No sweets…no sugar…no caffine…no this and that.  I just don’t think I can do that.  I have found things to substitute for the REALLY bad stuff I ate before…and I like having that option to help me through.  But if that is the problem…then I guess I will have to stop eating them.

I keep looking at the list of food she has given me…and wondering…could I do this?

Was thinking today, that maybe I should have another dietitian look at my food diary or get a personal trainer…maybe they can figure it out for me.  Cause I am stumped…and discouraged.   Feeling like a boat out of water, waiting and hoping for the tide to come in…

I was on my way to get lunch today, downtown where I am working at the Cultural Arts Center, when a man struck up a conversation with me.  I should have known he was selling something, when he said, “Don’t you look cute today.”  Turns out he was selling a spa package…and yes, I bought it: )  I know, I am a sucker….I mean…come on…he said I looked cute…how could I not?

Anyway, it comes with $300.00 worth of items for only $60 (well, that was what he told me and I believed him: ).   It includes a haircut, high lights or color, hand treatment, facial, updo, eyebrow wax…etc.  You get the idea.

So, I already made an appointment for the haircut and consultation…for next week!!!!   Then I started thinking, I wonder if I should get it cut, cut…?

…y’know something really different?   But how???

Then I had the thought to ask all of you…what do you think?  How should I get my haircut?  What would be a good style for me?   Should I go lighter?  Should I go shorter…how much shorter? 

There are pics of me on my page…and my hair is very dark, with naturally curls, soft to the touch, each strand is fine…but there is just lots of it! 

I want something that says:

I am 45, an artist, confident, fun, trendy but professional and classy…oh yeah and someone who cares about herself…(or learning to:)

can I say all that with a cut?

If you see something you think would look good on me…post the link below and I will check it out, or send me a booster with the pic on it!

Thanks buddies…I can’t wait to see what you will pick out for me!!!!

What good does this do–this comparing?   It is judgment, can turn to competition, then a need to control…and then manipulation!  Or what about self-hatred coupled with defeating behavior…

When we are just individuals…all of us.

What good does it do, to the person that we compare ourselves to…or to ourselves.  What good can come of it?

Why do we do it?  What is the purpose in it?   Why can’t we be free to be who we are…and it be ok?  Why must people compare themselves to others?

How do you feel when you see someone on TV that is more beautiful, fit, wealthy, smart, intelligent…etc?  Do you think…wow they are blessed…or do you look for things to pick apart about them?   Do you compare yourself to them and start the inner dialog…if only I were…

Do you cry about it?

When I was young and beautiful…I saw hatred in women’s eyes because of my beauty.    I saw them compare themselves to me.  I saw the look of jealousy in their eyes…when I had done nothing to them.   I was just being who I was…and they rejected me.   Sometimes they would hold their husbands closer…and I just wanted to say…I am not interested in your husband…but that is what the fruit of comparison and jealousy does to people.   It hurt me.

Since I have become a Christian, I have had people judge me and hate me…when I was just trying to love them.   Not just any “people”….close family members…people that I loved.   comparison…jealousy….rejection.

Satan wanted to be like God…because he compared himself to God…it was pride that caused him to do it!

“Pride is actually a mark of inner inferiority and uncertainty, and such people compensate by over-emphasizing and flaunting the qualities they think they posses that will cause others to think well of them.”

I am sure, once I have lost all my weight, there will be people that compare themselves to me…and become jealous.   They may even hurt me with their words…or lack of them.   Why would someone do that?   What would be their motivation for that? 

What is this need in us to steal the joy from others, because of our insecurities?  Or have to be the best at the expense of others?  Why can’t we just be who we are?  And let others be free to be themselves?  Why do we have to attack others with our judgements and comparisons…and make them feel rejected?

Why? 

My challenge this week is for everyone to stop comparing yourself to others…because it not only hurts you, but it can hurt the people that you compare yourself to.   Let’s try to be real with people (and ourselves) and stop trying to be all that.   Accept who you are…where you are and just be real…not fake…not manipulative.  Let’s love ourselves RIGHT where we are and be the best ME we can be!