What Mother’s Day means to me
When I got pregnant with my son, 19 years ago, I was 24 years old. I was a normal weight, but very sick. By sick I mean…living with a man that abused me regularly. Sexual abuse, like rape, emotional abuse, like rage and verbal abuse like calling me names like fat b—-h, and f—g c–t, (sorry for that…but I want to be real here) He raged and broke things or hit me. He smoked pot everyday…and he was a cruel man. I loved him…that is the sick part I suppose.
I loved him and wanted him to love me…more than anything. I wanted him to stop doing drugs. I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to change. I wanted it to work. I would cry all the time…and say I was going to leave him…but then we’d make up. My family was exhausted by all of this.
I finally left him. It was hard. I didn’t want to do it…but I knew I had to. After I left…I was a mess. I didn’t know who I was. I was full of fear…and confused. I tried to date…but the years of abuse left me unable to have sexual boundaries with men.
A man came along and he was sweet to me. He would listen to me cry about this abusive man. And after a while, although I wasn’t interested in ever having a long term relationship with him, I slept with him. I didn’t want to, but I felt like it was all I had to offer to thank this man for listening to me. I was sick.
I went to the infirmary to get on the pill, because, I thought…I better, because I might have sex with this man again…and they said, let’s do a pregnancy test. I thought, no problem. I had only had sex one time with this man, and was sure I was not pregnant…but, guess what…it was positive.
It was not the first time. I had gotten pregnant before. One time when my boyfriend had raped me…I told him not to, that it was a bad time and he said, “suffer b—-h!” I got pregnant. It was the third time…and I murdered all three of them…out of fear, shame and convenience.
Well this time, I did not know what I would do. I was still so confused. I told the father and he wanted to marry me. I hardly knew him, and I was certain 2 mistakes would not make things better. I called my older brother in TX and asked him if I could have some $ for an abortion. He said, let me think about it…and call you back. When he did, he offered for me to come and live there while I was pregnant…and then give the baby up for adoption. He said, “You don’t have to have an abortion.” When he said that, something happened to me on the inside, “I don’t?” I had heard the saying that “children are a gift from God.” I didn’t know where it came from, but I kept thinking about it. A gift? from God? Then it had to be good…
So something inside of me decided…that was it. I wasn’t going to do this anymore. This running from responsibility. I decided that I would stop living selfishly…and I decided to give up…to surrender my will to God’s. I asked Him to save me.
I was scared! I was not sure I could do it…but I decided I would try. I decided I would be a mom…a single mom. I would do everything I could to live my life for God and for this precious child inside of me.
I told my roommate, and she moved out…and left me homeless. I was pregnant, with no place to live. I slept on my sister’s couch until I could find a place I could afford alone. I got on Medicaid and went to the clinic. I got a library card and started read parenting books. It was a hard road and that was when I started gaining weight.
I started writing to Him in my journal…”Dear God,” and He started showing Himself to me. I stopped drinking, doing drugs, running from responsibility and sleeping with men. I was abstinent from sex for 13 years. Yes…I was…really.
I grew spiritually as my son grew too.
I was so in love with Jesus. He was my Husband, my Lover, a Father to my son (and me), my Counselor, my Best Friend, the Lover of my soul, my Healer, my Savior. He was my EVERYTHING! And I loved him with all my heart, (still do).
I had never had a man love me unconditionally. I had never experienced the presence, peace or joy of the Lord. I had never had a life without strife. He gave me all of that…and this beautiful son to love all the time.
Mother’s day is very special to me.
Because God gave me the gift of a child, I was able to find Him. And for that I am eternally grateful!
Happy Mother’s Day!
Chrisie, it took a lot of courage to write what you did and I admire you for that. You are soo blessed to have been chosen by Him to turn your life around. He must think that you are very special that is why He chose you. It is very easy to lose your way in life and very difficult to find it again. Better to have sinned and found Him than to not have sinned at all! Your friend in prayers, Linda
Chrisie, You truely are an amazing woman! I need to wipe the tears as they are falling of my cheeks! I truely am sorry that you went through all that pain and suffering! I respect you, I really do! God was there, ready and waiting for you! He reached out his hand and saved you from all your sorrow, to give you eternal happiness! Wow, words can not even express how amazing our savior is! Your son is blessed to have such an extrodinary Mother! I wish you nothing but love and happiness this Mothers Day, you will be in my thoughts!
thank you so much for sharing that. You are a special person and I’m sure you have been a special Mom too. Happy Mother’s Day! You deserve it.
What a sweet touching story. What a sweet touching God! How blessed you have been. When you love God and trust Him with your life, He can restore the years that the locust ate. I’m so proud to call you my friend, you truly are an incredible daughter of the King!
oh wow. I’ve never been as moved reading a post as I was readng that. I’m slowing starting to find my faith again.
Ha I am crying for you, in happness and sadness, for what you had to endure to make you the shining star you are today. I had to survive a bad chiildhood and lose a loved one before finding my footing with faith. You opened your heart….and I thank you.
Oh honey, I know that took a great deal of courage to even write, much less to actually live. I want to tell you that I hope you don’t beat yourself up for what happened in your past. There’s an old saying about living in the past…if you are always looking backward, you can’t see what’s ahead, or something along those lines.
I think it’s wonderful that through all of that, you were able to find a faith that has made you stronger, and I know that your son was truly a blessing. I know my oldest son saved my life without even realizing it, just by being born.
I’ve always said that Buddy Slim is like free therapy, we work out so many issues here, both trivial and significant. I really believe it’s true. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this story with us, and for helping us to understand what this day means to you. Hugs to you!
WOW that took al lot to let us know about what happend to you. I shed a tear. Thank you so much for sharing your story to me. I would hug you if you were right here.
I am glad that i have met you here. you are surely an inspiration for me.
happy mothersday
Chrisie, Chrisie, you really are a beautiful butterfly, and you will never ever be a caterpillar again. Rejoice and be Glad. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. -Dee
Oh Chrisie, I had no idea. You are a beautiful, strong courageous woman, very, very special, never forget that. Thanks for sharing this, God bless you.
