Becoming a Butterfly

I got the call today…guess I’m in…it’s official…I am a guinea pig.

I start the WEIGHT LOSS RESEARCH PROJECT on Monday…at 5:15.

Finally got to take off my activity monitoring arm band I’ve had on for 8 days…opened the envelope from my last visit when I did the EKG…and I realized, I did not have to wear it to bed…man oh man…I wish I wasn’t so ADD…or forgetful…or old.  I also remembered (once I saw the form: ) that I was supposed to write down everytime I took it on and off.  OOOOPPS again.

Oh well…I will become part of a group and get my official weight loss info on Monday, so now the real work begins. 

I know it will be 1500 cals (until I get to 200 pounds and then it will go to 1200), and I have to write it all down, plus walk 30 mins at least everyother day. 

Since I am semi wogging, and going to the gym…I think the exercise will be ok.  It’s just going to be a struggle to remember to write down everything I eat…and keep up with all those calories.  I think before next week I will figure out some meals that are 300-400 cals…and snacks that are 100-200 cals so that way it will make it easier to keep track.

All my love…my guinea pig love…

Here’s a video of me  after I got the call…you gotta see my before pictures!

http://s222.photobucket.com/albums/dd268/_Vegetarian_/?action=view&current=f43351f1.flv

re·gret   // /rɪˈgrɛt/ verb, -gret·ted, -gret·ting, noun

–verb (used with object)

1.	to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2.	to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one’s vanished youth.

–noun

3.	a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.	a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

[Origin: 1300–50; ME regretten (v.) < MF regreter, OF, equiv. to re- re- + -greter, perh. < Gmc (cf. greet²)]

—Related forms

re·gret·ter, noun

re·gret·ting·ly, adverb

—Synonyms 1. deplore, lament, bewail, bemoan, mourn, sorrow, grieve. Regret, penitence, remorse imply a sense of sorrow about events in the past, usually wrongs committed or errors made. Regret is distress of mind, sorrow for what has been done or failed to be done: to have no regrets. Penitence implies a sense of sin or misdoing, a feeling of contrition and determination not to sin again: a humble sense of penitence. Remorse implies pangs, qualms of conscience, a sense of guilt, regret, and repentance for sins committed, wrongs done, or duty not performed: a deep sense of remorse.

—Antonyms 1. rejoice. 4. joy.

_________________________________________________

Today, full of regret.  Woke up regretting.  Regretting decisions from my past.  Regret not listening to good counsel and listening to bad advice.   Regretting letting myself go, gaining so much weight.  Regretting so much that I have missed out on because of…my weight, my fear, doubt, self-hatred…etc.  

Regret.

What do you do with it?  Where do you put it?  It makes me anxious just thinking about it.  I can feel my heart begin to start beating faster…as I recall my foolishness. 

Today, on my walk, I listened to a song my son sent me Sunday night.  He sang it and recorded it for me.  It is so beautiful…I was crying as I was walking…remembering all the walks he and I had taken there.  I was always in a hurry.  Being a single mom…I could never relax.  I was “rushing” all the time…trying to get it all done.  My son turned 18 and left home last year.  I miss him.  I mean…I ache to see him and hug him.  We were…and are still very close, but it will never be like it was when he lived here with me.  He has left the nest…and my arms are empty.   I wish I would have,    could have,    should have….

but I didn’t and now I can’t. 

Praying for peace. 

How do I forgive myself for so many mistakes? 

How can I stop looking back at the wake of my mistakes, too many to count?   Thinking about what could have been if only I had…

I know God forgives me…but I am still sad about so much that is lost.

Sorry for the “heavy” post…but, I am just being real. :cry: 

I got this from an email from Diet.com…had some good stuff so I am passing it along!
Special for Diet.com
by Linda Spangle, RN, MA

Emotional eating is responsible for derailing even the best-laid diet plans. Sure you start your weight loss program with the best intentions. But then life gets in the way and triggers an emotion that sends you running for the fridge or to the nearest fast food joint for comfort.

Stop the insanity… and stop your emotional eating fast with my top 10 instant tips!

1. Write it away
Next time you get a craving for a specific food, such as cheesecake, write it down in a notebook. Recording a food thought takes it out of your head.

2. Take two bites
Don’t deprive yourself of your favorite dessert. Instead, take two bites and savor them slowly. The first two bites of any food always have the most flavor. After that, you’re just “feeding.”

3. Food becomes wasted
Stop feeling guilty about throwing away your kid’s uneaten snacks or the leftover food on your plate. In reality, any time you eat food your body doesn’t need, it’s wasted!

4. Set tiny goals
Stick to an exercise plan by creating repeated success. Set small, achievable goals. If you can walk for five minutes a day, then start there.

5. What do I really want to chew on?
When you crave crunchy or chewy food, think about what’s bothering you in life. Is it finances? Kids? Deadlines? Since eating won’t change it, try to cope some other way.

6. Instant way to stop eating
When you’ve had a bad day and start eating nonstop, go brush your teeth. If you’re not where you can brush, eat a distinctly opposite flavor. To block a sweet taste, suck on a lemon wedge or eat a sour pickle. For salty or spicy triggers, reach for a stick of gum or strong mint candy.

7. You can’t CHEAT with food!
Never say “I cheated on my diet.” Cheating refers to something illegal or immoral, and food is neither of these. Instead, refer to your choices. “I made a choice to eat a cookie today!”

8. Eat in the presence of others
Do you sneak treats or snacks when no one’s around? To overcome your patterns of sneak eating, make a policy that you’ll always eat sweets or favorite foods in the presence of at least one other person.

9. Small wins
Write down at least five things you did today that were small accomplishments. Before you go to bed, read your list out loud and tell yourself you’re a great success.

10. No more deprivation
Instead of feeling deprived or feeling left out, ask yourself, “What does my weight deprive me of?” Make a list of the things you’re missing out on by being overweight.

Linda Spangle, RN, MA, is a weight-loss coach specializing in emotional eating, and the author of 100 Days of Weight Loss, a book of daily lessons that helps people stay committed to their diet and exercise plans. Her website is www.weightlossjoy.com

I have changed!!!!   I mean this is a biggie for me!  I have been noticing for awhile…but just kinda watching myself to see if it was real. 

This is it:  I have better boundaries with food.  I can stop now when I am full/satisfied…and I can tell when it happens.   

Ok…I know that may not seem like a big deal…but there was a time when I could not waste food, or stop even when I was full/done.  Especially with sweets.  For all this week I have not finished my dinner.  I will fix my usual amount, but can only get 1/2 way through before I am done.  I mean…I don’t want another bite!   Yipeeeeeee!  This is BIG for me!

Last night, it was late, my husband had gone to sleep…and I started thinking I’d like some ice cream.  (Yes…I have it in my house…and it is the good kind too :wink: )  I put a small scoop in a coffee mug…with some whipped cream and started to enjoy it.  I was about 3/4ths of the way through when it hit me.  I don’t want anymore.  It is starting to taste too sweet and I am not enjoying it anymore.  I don’t want it!!!!   WHAT????   Did I just think that????

I will take you back to the old me…so you can understand why this is a victory.  I used to stress everytime I went to the store…telling myself…”Don’t get anything sweet…no ice cream…no candy…don’t go down that aisle.”  You get the idea….but somehow the “bad” stuff always ended up in my cart.  AND then…the real battle started.  It would talk to me…no…it would SHOUT to me.  “EAT ME!!!”  Come and I will comfort you.  I will take away the pain…

And I would fall for it everytime.  I would eat a half a gallon of ice cream in 2 days.  Sometimes 1 day.  I am not joking.  I would put nuts, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, marshmallow creme…you get  the idea…I would completely lose myself in this ice cream.   It wasn’t just ice cream…sometimes I would buy the Little Debbie cakes and eat the whole box in one day…or cookies…or bags of candy.  Anything like that didn’t stand a chance around me.  It was gobbled up…and I couldn’t/ wouldn’t stop myself.   Christmas, Easter, valentines…were all times of struggle for me!

Well…not anymore.  Nope.  This is a new day for me.  I have had the ice cream in my fridge for a week now and had 2 servings.  WOW…I am changing. 

I know some of you may not even buy stuff like that…or include it in your diet.  Maybe one day I will do that…but for now, I want it around me.  I want to learn to be “normal” with my food. 

But my husband is helping me.  This may seem strange, but we have all kinds of chocolates in my house…but I just don’t know where they are.  My husband hides them for me.  Weird?  I guess, but it is working for me.  I tell him when I want something sweet…and he gets me a couple of peices of chocolate.  Sometimes he challenges me as to why I want it…and other times he says ok right away.  But the good thing for me is…he is in control so I can rest in that.  And be accountable.  The chocolate is safe with him…and I am safe from the chocolate.   It is teaching me to know when I have had enough.  I really am satisfied with 2-3 peices.  My stomach can’t taste the sweet anyway…so I try to take my time and savor it.

That way, I really am able to enjoy it.  It isn’t a threat to me anymore…

But I am not perfect…I admit, one time I did try to find the hiding place…but couldn’t…and while I was looking for it, I had time to think about how ridiculous I was being.   I stopped myself and asked…”what are you doing?”   Sometimes when I am out, I will grab a sweet and have it…but, I try to just get one candy bar…instead of a whole bag.  I try to think about it consciously and decide to have it….I am not perfect though…and sometimes I still get compulsive….but I am so much better!

I hope to one day have the chocolates someplace where I can get them if I want them, and eat them responsibly…I am just not there yet…but I am changing!

AND I will relish where I am for today…this is a victory, a sweet victory for sure!

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yes…I must believe this!  If I am going to conquer this mountain of fat!  

Today I wogged…and it hurt.  I mean my shins were having major ouchies.  This is a new thing.  I have been wogging…with a little pain in my knees…but this is a new kind of pain.  My husband was with me and he used to run cross-country, said it might be shin splints…and that they are just part of it.  Man…that stinks. 

I had downloaded this interval training thingie to learn to run a 5k in 9 weeks and I was all gung ho….but now I am on the 1st week for 2 weeks now.  I tried to move up to week 2 Thurs…and it was just too hard.   I was thinking…at this rate, it is going to be 18 weeks now before I can do a 5k.  

After my pitiful wog, I had to encourage myself and remember that it was the tortoise that won the race.   It is those that are willing to “keep on keeping on” even when it seems like change will never come…slow and steady.

I remember when I went to the Dr. for my physical recently and he asked me, “How committed are you to this, losing weight and how long do you think it will take you?”   I was thinking, 6 months, maybe 8…but I didn’t say anything…because I had a feeling that it might be a set-up.  I said, “I don’t know, how long should it take me?”  He said, “2 years.”  WHAT????  NOOOOOO0000000….it has to be sooner than that! 

But y’know, it got me thinking. 

What if it took me that long?  Would that be so bad?  Could I have the patience and fortitude to do it?   I must admit that I am a rabbit.  A mover and a shaker.  Not someone given to patience.   It is an effort for me!   It is a struggle…

But tonight, God reminded me that there are things in my life that I didn’t start out good at…but I learned slowly, over time…and I have become pretty good at them now.   I am an artist…and people pay me to paint for them.  But, when I first started…I was not very good.  I started about 18years ago.  I didn’t obsess over it, or get consumed by it.  I would just do it…as I had time.  I just took my time and was patient with myself…and now I can call myself an artist…and I actually teach others how to paint!  Wow…

One day I will call myself a runner, not just a wogger.  And dare I say, an athlete???  Yes…I will be a healthy woman, athletic and fit.  YES…with patience and fortitude we will conquer all things!

 Today I saw this show…I recorded 2 episodes back to back and watched them throughout the day as I did my housework.The first one was about a teenager that had a weight problem, and was sent to a camp to help her.   It was a lot of hard work, but after her time there, she really looked different.  When this girl’s father saw her transformation he said, “What a butterfly.” Given the name of my blog…I took notice.  The girl from the other show was just a small child when she had fallen, and injured her jaw.  It was not detected until it was too late, and her jaw had grown back in a position that distorted her whole face.  The ridicule, judgment and torment from the other children caused her to retreat, and run from living her life. 

But she had seen My Fair Lady and dreamed of becoming one herself.   Even though she had been wounded in the past, she still dreamed of girly things like jewelry and walking on the red carpet. 

I noticed that in both of the episodes, the dads were so excited to see their daughters become the beautiful women they were meant to be.   These grown men wept when their daughters were chosen for this opportunity, and then again once they saw how they had transformed.   

It got me thinking.  Why did they react this way? 

Was it because they loved them and wanted them to be the beautiful women they were created to be?   Was it because it was best for them…because it was freedom? 

How must God feel about me, if this is how a father here on earth feels about his daughters? 

He must really want this for me too.  Would it bring him joy and pride like I saw on these other father’s faces?

If I stop and think about it, I too have been wounded in my past, and it has caused me to run from life too.  But now I have been chosen for an Extreme Makeover.  I’ve also seen the “My Fair Lady”, and have dreamt of better things!  But I know the Red Carpet has been laid for me…and that I am a princess…a bride in His kingdom.

Why can’t this happen for me too?  Even though my transformation will be hard work, it will be worth it, because I long to see my Father’s joy and hear Him say, “What a butterfly!”

And I liked it!

I made myself go to the gym and exercise…but I did not want to.  Planned to wog…and I tried…but it seemed so hard.   Was thinking my iron must be low, so I just decided to just walk…1o mins into it I looked down and realized the incline was on 2.5…so I was walking uphill, and didn’t know it :???:   I walked for 2 miles…and watched some of Wife Swap…that show cracks me up…y’know, people are so different…it fascinates me!

There was one family that the mom let the teenagers do whatever they wanted…their teenagers boyfriends and girlfriends even lived with them in their home.  They sang rap songs, watched TV and played video games all day.  The mom and dad let them spend money on anything they wanted.  They were immature.  And the new mom, she tried to talk to the dad and explain that he had a responsiblity to train those children to be adults.  To stop trying to be their friend and become their parent.

She came from a farm where she had a family that worked hard and was very disciplined…so she laid down the law and spoke the truth to them.  It was interesting to watch them get offended by the things she said to them…especially if they were true. 

Funny thing is, the kids ended up really appreciating it.  I mean…they balked at first…and got offended…but one day, she took them all to work on a farm…all day!  One of the girls was complaining about being icky, hot and sweaty.  They ended up earning their first money.  AND they really enjoyed it.  You could see the change in them.   One of them said, she is helping me realize “Structure is good.”  and they were proud of themselves.

I guess my body is like an undisciplined rebellious teenager.  Wanting to eat what it wants and do what it wants–but I have to be the parent…and make it do what it doesn’t want to…like get hot and sweaty…and KNOW…that I will become disciplined, proud and end up liking it!

Anyway, I was proud of me and I wanted to share that I had done something I didn’t want to because I have decided to be a parent and finally love myself!

Really!  I think it was a combination of a lack of sleep, too much coffee, all that caffine in Midol…and some serious PMS.  I thought I was going to kill someone.  My poor husband didn’t go to the office today…

what was he thinking?  He was in the line of fire all day.   He has been hiding in his office for the last couple of hours.  

Good news though, in the midst of my crazed, manic state, I only ate a small bag of chocolate covered pretzels and a handful of pistashios, but that was my whole lunch.  I think I must have REALLY needed that salty sweet fix…oh yeah…and chocolate!

I had a small dinner, and it helped level me out….and I finally feel back to normal…so to speak  :wink: 

I think once my dinner completely settles, I will go to the gym for a quick workout.

Have any of you noticed that PMS and caffine really makes you HUNGRY…like compulsive, out of control hungry???  It does me!  I must make a note to give up the coffee and the Midol!

This is something I got in an email and I thought it might help someone!

8 Traits Of Emotional Eaters

1. My hunger comes on suddenly.
Physical hunger comes on slowly. Hunger from emotional eating often comes on quickly and suddenly.

2. I crave specific foods — generally not carrot sticks or steamed broccoli. Cravings for specific, usually unhealthy foods is a sign of emotional eating. Often people like the rush they get from satisfying their cravings. That rush is fulfilling emotional hunger.

3. My hunger feels urgent — I need a particular food right away and I’m willing to walk out of my way, or get in your car late at night, or raid my kid’s Halloween candy to get it. Physical hunger, unless you haven’t eaten for a very long time, is usually pretty patient. It will wait for food. Emotional hunger demands to be satisfied immediately. 4. My hunger is often paired with an upsetting emotion — if I backtrack a few hours or a few days I’ll usually find an upsetting event and feeling that triggered the urge. Hunger that’s connected to an upsetting emotion or situation is definitely emotional hunger. Physical hunger is not typically triggered by emotions.5. My eating habits involve unconscious eating — all of a sudden I’m eating ice-cream and I find the whole container is gone. When you’re eating for physical reasons, you are usually mindful of what you’re doing. If you catch yourself eating “just because,” then it’s likely you’re eating for emotional reasons.6. I don’t stop eating in response to being full — I keep wanting more of the taste of the food.
Physical hunger doesn’t need to be stuffed in order to be satisfied. Emotional hunger on the other hand often demands more and more food to feel satisfied.