Becoming a Butterfly

Tonight, Biggest Loser and American Idol.  My 2 fav shows.  I DVR them so I can watch them back to back.  Like them both…real people competing for prizes…growing, lives changing.  Living their dreams.  Kinda cool…

Tonight as I was watching American Idol…I was thinking about Simon.  Watching him.  Have you ever noticed how he picks on Paula.  I mean it IS abusive…seriously.  More so than with the contestants.  She tries so hard to just be herself, but he constantly picks her apart.   It was an “ah ha” for me because I realized I have people in my life like that.  People that always pull me down, and no matter how hard I try, they just seem to find the bad in me…steal my joy…rain on my parade…  What makes people do that?  What is going on inside of Simon’s little brain?

The other thing I “got” was the artist thing…you can tell on the show who is really an artist.  And it made me appreciate who I am a little more.  It has always seemed to be kind of a curse…but I am starting to see…it really is a gift…

The other “ah ha” was with Tara, when she didn’t do so well at the weigh in, and Jillian didn’t believe her…it is like she is crying out…”Can’t anyone see, I am trying my best…trying to be perfect…”  And all she gets is people trying to take her out.  Tear her down.  And now, even her trainer…doubts her.   I think about myself…I feel that way lots of times…and then I just feel like giving up.   Jillian should have comforted her…should have believed the best about her.    She should know her well enough by now…to know she is going to listen and do the right thing…

I had another “ah ha” when they had the temptation.  Everyone wanted it…THE POWER…BUT, when it was really someone’s, it was a horrible thing to have, and the price they paid for it, was it worth it?    Like Bruce Almighty…  I believe the temptations on Biggest loser are never a good thing…best to stay away from them.   And concentrate on losing weight!

I am feeling a little down today…TOM is in the house…oh boy.  It was cold, and cloudy…didn’t help my mood either.

I looked at an art studio, for the 5th time…but decided…finally to not rent it.  Too risky.  The landlord isn’t on the up and up.   Town (where I am currently employed:) could shut me down because it is not up to code.  Landlord wants to rent it anyway…said basically, “you rat on me, I will shut you down.”  Wisdom tells me…don’t connect with this guy…too risky.   So, I watch one of my dreams go down the toilet…flushy, flushy.  Well…for now at least.   Seemed perfect…oh well.

I had a small chocoholic moment yesterday–I was a little out of control, and a small one tonight, but still maintaining and eating when I am hungry…

Tomorrow is a new day…

 

I know it does….but, I lost some serious weight today–at least 50 lbs LOL!

It felt good!  I was a MEAN, SPRING CLEANING MACHINE!   I got rid of old magazines, papers, stuff I don’t want anymore…vacuumed, dusted, did 4 loads of laundry, put it all away…moved furniture around….whew…you get the idea!   I feel like I was working out ALL day!  My feet hurt, (note to self…next time wear your T-shoes!)my back aches…but…the place looks Mahvalous!

I think I have been a little depressed.  And that is what brought on the binging, and sitting…and BUTT clutter!!!!!

I was praying with a friend last night, she is having some serious problems…and somehow, I think my prayers for her have helped me today!!!!!  I feel goood, doo dee doo dee doo dee do….Like I knew I should…I FEEEEEEL good….LIKE I KNEW I COULD!

Well…just wanted to pop on and tell all you guys that I am doing better.  Not binging…which is HUGE for me!!!   And waiting until I am hungry to eat…stopping when I am full!  So…things are better.  Still haven’t made it back to the gym, but I know I will.  I feel the fire burning inside…thanks to my buddies here…and it is just a matter of time before I am an inferno again!!!!!

Turn this up loud, and go toss some clutter, it might make your butt look thinner!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_sY2rjxq6M

Writing back to someone that commented on one of my blogs.  I had an epiphany.  Maybe, if I stay here, and read and encourage, maybe…it will re-light my fire!  I am like a hunk of cold coal or charcoal that once burned bright!  Soooooo maybe your hot healthy flames will leap into my heart and I will get on fire again!

I heard someone say that when a log is in the fire, it stays hot, and will keep on burning for a looong looong time…but when it rolls out of the fire, it will easily go out!   I need you guys!!!!  You hold the matches that will relight the desire burning in my heart…and help me start to burn the fat off my body again!    So come on buddies, light my fire!

Another ah-ha moment for me this week is…simple, yet, for me…profound really.  All this time…I thought I was just fat…but actually, I am full of energy!  Really, I am like a big container of fuel.  1/2 of me is stored calories.  Fuel reserves if you think about it.  If 1 pound = 3500 cals, I have about 350000 extra of them in my body…soooooo.  I need to burn them!  I can’t just deplete them, because then the body wants to store more…counter productive.  I need to eat, and work out…but most importantly…I need to turn my body into a lean, mean, fuel burning machine.  THAT needs to be my focus, to become an athlete!  Like the people on biggest loser.  They are working out like crazy…and the weight loss is incredible.  And they get in trouble if they don’t eat enough…  Bob and Jillian are on to something…

I HAVE to eat enough calories to keep my fire stoked…and then exercise enough to burn the energy, more exercise…the more weight loss…that is it!

Sooooo does anyone anyone out there have a match I can borrow?   I’m just a vessel of fuel waiting for someone to light my FIRE!!!!!  So I can be HOT again: )!

Up late and watching it now…

Watched biggest loser last night!  So tired of watching others do it.  And I still have not committed completely.  Does anyone have a  big hammer they can hit me over the head with?  what is it going to take before I get it?

I have stopped binging.  So things are leveling out for me…so it is looking more hopeful.

OMG there is Valerie Bertinelli in a bikini??? and did she say she is 47?

Why can she do it and I am not doing it?   Coming up on my 1 yr anniversary here on BS…and when I read my old posts, when I was “on program”…it seems foreign to me!

Honestly, I know I am going to do it…but, just keep thinking when…when will I get it!?   When will all the planets align…

when when when????

Last night I was thinking…just 500 cals less cals a day would equal a pound a week.   And if I did 500 cals worth of exercise, that would be 2 lbs a week.  So simple…yet…so ridiculously, seemingly out of the realm of possiblity…for me!  I just can’t figure it out.  I just gotta start getting REAL!

Now Marie Osmond.  She is free.  Started dieting when she was 10…when she heard someone refer to her as the fat little girl.  Then told to lose more weight during the years with Donny and got in the 90’s.  CRAZY!

Star Jones now…looking happy and good!  Oprah told her she looked good…and she said, “Spanks!”

She got to 307!  and lost 167 pounds…through gastric bypass.  Oprah is asking her if she was really happy when she was overweight.  She said…no…she had gotten so big…she was scared.   She said she still dreams of her favorite thing…double wopper with cheese.  She did the surgery…because she felt like she was dying.  She realized she was depressed…and that was what caused her to overeat…turn to food.   Eating alone.  She said…she was faking it.  Maybe that is what I am doing?  Maybe I am hurting…and don’t know how to deal.   She said she was “ashamed.”  Well that I know about myself.

Her doctor told her she would have died if she hadn’t done it.

I don’t want to have to hear those words…Do or Die…but maybe that is what I need to start focusing on.  That truly, if you ARE MORBIDLY obese…then doesn’t that mean…it is Do it or eventually you will Die?

She is discovering who she really is now, and said she had to lose the weight in her head…get healed emotionally.

Sorry…I am in a rambling mood…it is almost 2am…and I need to get on to bed.

Blessings to all of you on the road to recovery, to discovering who you really are, and getting real.  Stepping out of the crysalis…and spreading your wings!  I pray tonight, that God will give you the key to what will give you success for your journey!

Watching Biggest Loser…and it is awesome tonight!  Tara is “the one to beat” and they all ganged up on her this week.  They gave her 250+ pounds to pull behind her.  It hurt her, and made her feel defeated, and start considering quitting the show.  But she found her mojo, it was like all the buckets of water they poured on her became gasoline, and she went for it, and still beat them all–and won immunity!!!  She even got to do victory laps and doughnuts in the race car.

Watching it, I was crying and cheering for her…I really identified with her.   Not just with the weight loss, but with other stuff going on in my life.  Do you ever have people try and sabotage you just because they are jealous of you, or because they are not happy with who they are?  I have experienced that…and it hurt me.

It makes me think of Joseph in the bible.  His own brothers hated him and wanted to kill him.  Because he was blessed, favored, and gifted.  But he, like Tara continued to do what they knew was their personal best!  Joseph because he loved His heavenly Father.

Jealousy is so ugly.  I don’t want to ever be like that…

Today I was feeling defeated…on multiple levels, and seeing Tara choose to do her best, no matter who was out to get her…well…it has inspired me.  Reminding me that I need to remember that this is something I need to do for me…and learn it is ok to be the best me I can be…no matter what anyone else does…I am going to spread my wings and fly!

I decided to go for a walk, changed clothes probably 6 times, nothing seemed to look ok…finally decided on something to wear…and left home.

Once I was driving, I decided to go on a couple of errands instead.  Afterwards I drove to the gym.  Haven’t been there is so long…I was embarrassed.  I was stuck…  Couldn’t get out of the car.

Drove home.

Maybe once it is dark I will muster up the courage to step out again.  Right now, I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I am only a couple pounds more than I was the last time I started, but this time…I just feel HUGE!  Defeated…sad.

Keep thinking, what is the point?  Failure on top of failure is mounting up to seem like a mountain before me.

Does anyone have any climbing gear I can borrow?

“It is never the fall that kills, it’s the sudden stop at the end.” - Mountain Guide’s Handbook

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” The Beauty of the Mountain is hidden for all those who try to discover it from the top, supposing that, one way or an other, one can reach this place directly. The Beauty of the Mountain reveals only to those who climbed it…” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I have been thinking about buddyslim all day, cruisin’ around the site…seeing who is still around, and reading old blogs of mine.  Missing all of my friends here.  Feeling re-inspired…considering writing a blog again.  But….

then…I went to my email and there it was, my title.  “Don’t be a diet dropout.”   Here is the article…

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/how-to-stay-on-a-diet?ecd=wnl_wlw_032109

The last little pointer…Don’t get discouraged if you regain!

Sound’s easier than it is!  Trust me.  It seems like when I started slipping away…I am on a cliff…falling faster than the speed of light…grasping for anything I can to try and get a grip…falling right back into the pit of face stuffing-eating out-give me those fries-compulsive kinda dining…oh no…it is not pretty. 

In that pit, there are no restraints…no second thoughts…no concerns for the consequences…it is just all about trying to fill that hunger.

When does it stop?  Why is it there?

I have been reading the book by Oprah, make the connection.  I have read it before, but my husband is going through some books, and it was on the top of a stack…so I started reading it again.  To SEE if I COULD go ahead and MAKE the CONNECTION…

I am feeling a little more connected…at least close to it.  Not making the best decisions yet, but feel a level of sanity coming back to me.  Praying…flirting with the idea again.

Yes, I do believe there is a desire to try again…so I have started looking at the quick fixes…but talking myself out of them…knowing it is just going to be hard work and determination…with a commitment to take the time and have the patience to persevere!

Wonder why it takes me so long to DECIDE to get’er done?  Why can’t I just DECIDE to do it…and make it happen?  What is the drawing to this dysfunctional lover? 

I know it is an addiction for me.  I can tell because, I run to food for comfort.  I use it to cope.  It is an idol…something I place before God…expecting it to satisfy…

But it just makes me hungrier…and hungrier…more and more unsatisfied.

This week google had on their search page, one of my favorite children’s book author/illustrators, Eric Carle…

And the very hungry caterpillar…my familiar friend…

I am just wishing it was Sunday…and I could build my coccon…and just come out a beautiful butterfly!

I read this in a book recently. Pretty powerful. It has been resonating in my spirit.

There was more revelation in the small paragraph for me, “Action without vision is random activity. It takes a combination of passion and discipline to accomplish anything.” (Dr. C. Thomas Anderson)

 

That is what God is saying to me. Reminding me.

 

I went to see the Dead Sea Scrolls yesterday at the Museum, it is here on tour. Amazing really, the Words of our Lord, right there…for all to see. Wondering how many REALLY believe what they say? Reminding us that He is real…and He wants us to believe.

 

After I went through the exhibit, I was waiting on my husband to read and take in every detail…so…I wandered down to the Museum store.

There were some beautiful things there. I looked in a stack of posters on sale and what was the stack turned open to, but a beautiful poster showing the life cycle of a butterfly, not just any butterfly, but the Monarch. There were mounted butterflies on sale too…and yes, there was in the last shelf I saw a Monarch. I wish I could describe to you the beauty I saw in that perfectly formed creature.

 

 

Reminders. Remembering…

 

Then later, once we got home, the friend that had prayed for me last spring at the beginning of my weight loss…getting healthy…journey, calls…out of the blue to chat…and I remember. He prays for me again. Encourages me to go to God, and get His help. Ask for it. He will help me. More reminding.

 

 

Today I am watching recorded shows just cleaning off my DVR…and God is still speaking.

 

On an Oprah show…I saw a young man overcome a horrible childhood to become a Football star…and another forgive a horrible tragedy to go on. Then a daughter–who saw her dad murder her mom and then himself–she had to forgive…and move on.

 

They say the words, “It was a decision, but not just a decision, there had to be action. They had to live out the decision.”

One woman says…

This isn’t working for me…

I had to decide:

Who I was going to be

Who I was going to become

I had to be willing to let go of the past

Be willing to focus on the future.

And let go of what was…and just decide…

not just feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity.

And choose not stay where you are…

But it wasn’t just a decision

I had to then live by it,

Focus on it

Keep it going

 

Take personal responsibility for my decision.

 

She has a book, ”Fearless Living” Her name is Rhonda Britten

 

On New Year’s Eve, my husband and I were watching some Christian TV and I saw my front door open…but…it really didn’t…not in the natural. I saw it in the spiritual. So we prayed and asked God what it meant…and thanked Him for “Open Doors.”

 

Since I stopped blogging as much here on BS, I have become part of another social website that is Christian…and I am enjoying being a part of it. There are no blogs about my beliefs offending others…So I felt led to go to it that night, and see what others were hearing God say about 2009. But I didn’t until the next day and WHAT did I SEE…there was a blog posted by the originator of the site titled

 

The Open Door!

 

When I went to it…there was a funny cartoon…and it was God reminding me.

 

It really is easy…don’t make it hard.

Come to Me…

Ask, Seek and Knock..and the Door will be OPENED!

 

REMINDERS!!!!!

 

Soooo, with all of that said…

I am just putting it out here.

Wanting to put action with my vision.

To stop hallucinating. Live it out, take personal responsibility…and remember…

God is with me, to help me and lead me. He will give me strength for the journey.

And He will help me, if I will just ask…become that Butterfly.

Here is something I heard recently:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGGanAZ2IwM

–Hope it blesses you like it did me!

 

Just wanted to take a moment and say HEY!!! I hope everyone is having a beautiful celebration with their loved ones! I am in TN visiting with my husband’s family…although it is a different place…the same Spirit of Christmas is here. Interesting to see how others celebrate the season. Longing for my family…missing them. Especially my son. On the way home we are planning to stop at the Great Smoky Mountains…and I am looking forward to seeing God’s beautiful creation.

I have been MIA the last couple months, but wanted to send my best to all my BS Buds out there. Thinking about you guys…and all the love and support over this past year…missing you!

I am planning to “start over”, “get focused”…etc…in the new year. I am going to be VERY serious about it…so hopefully I will be back “online” again with all of you.

In this time that I have NOT been “doing the stuff”…I have realized a couple things:

• I miss exercising. I like the way I feel, emotionally, physically and spiritually…when I am working out. Right now…I just feel puffy ’cause I have put some of my weight back on.
• I also miss getting hungry. I have stopped waiting for my body to ask for food…and it leaves me feeling stuffed and yucky. I like getting empty…I enjoy eating sooo much better then.
• I miss the support. Having all of you to listen and encourage me…AND the opportunity to encourage back.

So with that said…I hope and pray that I will be able to REALLY do it…and keep at it this next time. I hope and pray!

With God ALL things are possible!

“Do not be afraid I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You wilt find a baby wrapped in strips of cloths and lying in a manger.” Luke 2:10-17.