Becoming a Butterfly

So I am in 10 days and I am down 10 days!  I am using HCG, and it is working.  I felt led of God to do this diet and He confirmed it to me through friends…

I am going to stay on it until I lose all the weight I can with it.  I have a goal in mind and 5 months to do it.

Not exercising yet, but they do say you can walk an hour a day so I am going to try and incorporate that into my daily routine.  I only eat 500 cals or so a day.  I don’t really count calories.  The diet asks that you have 2 fruits, 2 lean proteins and 2 veggies a day.  No sugar or carbs.  So I eyeball it and it seems to be working for me.  My scale also measures my fat % and that is going down too. 

 If you want to learn more about HGC you can google it.  I am using the oral drops sublingually.

 Today I had a grapefruit, 1/2 a chicken breast grilled and a leaf salad.  I used about a t of dressing.  Tonight I had squash/zucchini/Onion cooked in a little water and boullion, with an apple and broiled Grouper. 

I drink herbal tea with stevia and lots of water.  I also have a coffee in the morning with some sugar free creamer.

 It has been easy so far.  Not tempted to cheat, just determined to get free once and for all!

Hope you are all keeping your committments you have made to yourselves!  Remember you are beautiful and you deserve it!

Blessings!

How is everyone?  Been a long time…but I sometimes come and peek around just to see how everyone is doing…  Miss you guys…

I have stepped back to the plate with my weight loss.  Recently, I got some prayer and healing for my addiction to food.   Since then, I have not binged anymore.  So I decided it was time to try again.  I am more peaceful now too…and that is making it easier as well.

So, I started last week and I am 7 lbs down.  Excited that the scale is moving.  I am doing the Oral HCG diet, and so far it has been very easy for me.  Had some tough couple of days in the beginning, because I think I was having carb, sugar and caffine withdrawals….but other than that it has been relatively easy.

My goal is to lose 100 pounds.  I know I can do it!!!  I only have 93 more to go!!!  This time really feels different and I think I am going to make it!

So, of course I thought about coming here and blogging again, this time mostly about my experience with HCG with hopes that it will encourage others…

Will write more later as I feel inspired…right now I am thinking a nap sounds good;)  Been outside doing yard work…and got up at 4am this morn…so…I think I earned it!

Love you!!!

 ps.  I don’t want anyone give me their opinion of this diet. To tell me to be careful…or warn me about the diet…etc.  I have researched and decided this is the best plan for me.  So…if you don’t agree…or find it offensive…then my advice would be to not read my blogs…

Hey everyone!!!!!!

I have reconnected with some old buddies on Facebook, and I think that has prompted me to come and take a look around.  Remembering all the support and love I got here…hmmmm…well, it blesses me!!!!

Much has changed in my life!  I lost 167 lbs!!!! 

ok…I confess…it wasn’t officially REAL weight loss…I actually left my husband.   In May, I locked him out.  And the rest is history.  This weekend while I was away on a ministry trip, he came and got the rest of his things out of the house.  We are being nice to each other, but I have closed the door.

While I was part of BS last year, I had confided in some of you that he was abusing me.   Your prayers and words of encouragment helped me through a very difficult time.  I think Buddy Slim was more of a place of support for me than I knew at the time.  I could come here, be myself…and get the love and encouragement I was so desperate for…THANK YOU to those of you who know who you are!!!!!

I am part of a church now that REALLY feels like family.  They are “out there” like me.  They travel all over the world sharing the Good News and we just got back from Savannah and Charleston.  I still live in NC, but might be moving closer to where they are…seeking God about it right now.

Lately, when I have gone on these trips, God is having me do prophetic painting…that is where God gives me an image, and I paint it for that person.  It is amazing, and I am often just as blown away by what God has had me give them, as the person I am painting for…

Since my ex left, I have been painting!!!  Something I didn’t or couldn’t do with him in the house.  Excited that part of me has come back to life!!!

My weight crept back up…but is stable.  I think the stress of everything didn’t help.  I hope to get back into it soon…I REALLY need to!  Traveling is hard enough with all the luggage you have to carry, but to have all the extra weight isn’t helpful at all.   I can see it will be a challenge to be able to eat right, and get the excercise you need…but with God, all things are possible!

I hope you all are doing well…I think about you often.  You are in my heart, and I pray that God will give you the desires of your heart.  Not sure if I will be back on BS like I used to.  I am very busy now, and like I said, might be moving.  But I just wanted to write and say hello

Tonight, Biggest Loser and American Idol.  My 2 fav shows.  I DVR them so I can watch them back to back.  Like them both…real people competing for prizes…growing, lives changing.  Living their dreams.  Kinda cool…

Tonight as I was watching American Idol…I was thinking about Simon.  Watching him.  Have you ever noticed how he picks on Paula.  I mean it IS abusive…seriously.  More so than with the contestants.  She tries so hard to just be herself, but he constantly picks her apart.   It was an “ah ha” for me because I realized I have people in my life like that.  People that always pull me down, and no matter how hard I try, they just seem to find the bad in me…steal my joy…rain on my parade…  What makes people do that?  What is going on inside of Simon’s little brain?

The other thing I “got” was the artist thing…you can tell on the show who is really an artist.  And it made me appreciate who I am a little more.  It has always seemed to be kind of a curse…but I am starting to see…it really is a gift…

The other “ah ha” was with Tara, when she didn’t do so well at the weigh in, and Jillian didn’t believe her…it is like she is crying out…”Can’t anyone see, I am trying my best…trying to be perfect…”  And all she gets is people trying to take her out.  Tear her down.  And now, even her trainer…doubts her.   I think about myself…I feel that way lots of times…and then I just feel like giving up.   Jillian should have comforted her…should have believed the best about her.    She should know her well enough by now…to know she is going to listen and do the right thing…

I had another “ah ha” when they had the temptation.  Everyone wanted it…THE POWER…BUT, when it was really someone’s, it was a horrible thing to have, and the price they paid for it, was it worth it?    Like Bruce Almighty…  I believe the temptations on Biggest loser are never a good thing…best to stay away from them.   And concentrate on losing weight!

I am feeling a little down today…TOM is in the house…oh boy.  It was cold, and cloudy…didn’t help my mood either.

I looked at an art studio, for the 5th time…but decided…finally to not rent it.  Too risky.  The landlord isn’t on the up and up.   Town (where I am currently employed:) could shut me down because it is not up to code.  Landlord wants to rent it anyway…said basically, “you rat on me, I will shut you down.”  Wisdom tells me…don’t connect with this guy…too risky.   So, I watch one of my dreams go down the toilet…flushy, flushy.  Well…for now at least.   Seemed perfect…oh well.

I had a small chocoholic moment yesterday–I was a little out of control, and a small one tonight, but still maintaining and eating when I am hungry…

Tomorrow is a new day…

I know it does….but, I lost some serious weight today–at least 50 lbs LOL!

It felt good!  I was a MEAN, SPRING CLEANING MACHINE!   I got rid of old magazines, papers, stuff I don’t want anymore…vacuumed, dusted, did 4 loads of laundry, put it all away…moved furniture around….whew…you get the idea!   I feel like I was working out ALL day!  My feet hurt, (note to self…next time wear your T-shoes!)my back aches…but…the place looks Mahvalous!

I think I have been a little depressed.  And that is what brought on the binging, and sitting…and BUTT clutter!!!!!

I was praying with a friend last night, she is having some serious problems…and somehow, I think my prayers for her have helped me today!!!!!  I feel goood, doo dee doo dee doo dee do….Like I knew I should…I FEEEEEEL good….LIKE I KNEW I COULD!

Well…just wanted to pop on and tell all you guys that I am doing better.  Not binging…which is HUGE for me!!!   And waiting until I am hungry to eat…stopping when I am full!  So…things are better.  Still haven’t made it back to the gym, but I know I will.  I feel the fire burning inside…thanks to my buddies here…and it is just a matter of time before I am an inferno again!!!!!

Turn this up loud, and go toss some clutter, it might make your butt look thinner!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_sY2rjxq6M

Writing back to someone that commented on one of my blogs.  I had an epiphany.  Maybe, if I stay here, and read and encourage, maybe…it will re-light my fire!  I am like a hunk of cold coal or charcoal that once burned bright!  Soooooo maybe your hot healthy flames will leap into my heart and I will get on fire again!

I heard someone say that when a log is in the fire, it stays hot, and will keep on burning for a looong looong time…but when it rolls out of the fire, it will easily go out!   I need you guys!!!!  You hold the matches that will relight the desire burning in my heart…and help me start to burn the fat off my body again!    So come on buddies, light my fire!

Another ah-ha moment for me this week is…simple, yet, for me…profound really.  All this time…I thought I was just fat…but actually, I am full of energy!  Really, I am like a big container of fuel.  1/2 of me is stored calories.  Fuel reserves if you think about it.  If 1 pound = 3500 cals, I have about 350000 extra of them in my body…soooooo.  I need to burn them!  I can’t just deplete them, because then the body wants to store more…counter productive.  I need to eat, and work out…but most importantly…I need to turn my body into a lean, mean, fuel burning machine.  THAT needs to be my focus, to become an athlete!  Like the people on biggest loser.  They are working out like crazy…and the weight loss is incredible.  And they get in trouble if they don’t eat enough…  Bob and Jillian are on to something…

I HAVE to eat enough calories to keep my fire stoked…and then exercise enough to burn the energy, more exercise…the more weight loss…that is it!

Sooooo does anyone anyone out there have a match I can borrow?   I’m just a vessel of fuel waiting for someone to light my FIRE!!!!!  So I can be HOT again: )!

Up late and watching it now…

Watched biggest loser last night!  So tired of watching others do it.  And I still have not committed completely.  Does anyone have a  big hammer they can hit me over the head with?  what is it going to take before I get it?

I have stopped binging.  So things are leveling out for me…so it is looking more hopeful.

OMG there is Valerie Bertinelli in a bikini??? and did she say she is 47?

Why can she do it and I am not doing it?   Coming up on my 1 yr anniversary here on BS…and when I read my old posts, when I was “on program”…it seems foreign to me!

Honestly, I know I am going to do it…but, just keep thinking when…when will I get it!?   When will all the planets align…

when when when????

Last night I was thinking…just 500 cals less cals a day would equal a pound a week.   And if I did 500 cals worth of exercise, that would be 2 lbs a week.  So simple…yet…so ridiculously, seemingly out of the realm of possiblity…for me!  I just can’t figure it out.  I just gotta start getting REAL!

Now Marie Osmond.  She is free.  Started dieting when she was 10…when she heard someone refer to her as the fat little girl.  Then told to lose more weight during the years with Donny and got in the 90’s.  CRAZY!

Star Jones now…looking happy and good!  Oprah told her she looked good…and she said, “Spanks!”

She got to 307!  and lost 167 pounds…through gastric bypass.  Oprah is asking her if she was really happy when she was overweight.  She said…no…she had gotten so big…she was scared.   She said she still dreams of her favorite thing…double wopper with cheese.  She did the surgery…because she felt like she was dying.  She realized she was depressed…and that was what caused her to overeat…turn to food.   Eating alone.  She said…she was faking it.  Maybe that is what I am doing?  Maybe I am hurting…and don’t know how to deal.   She said she was “ashamed.”  Well that I know about myself.

Her doctor told her she would have died if she hadn’t done it.

I don’t want to have to hear those words…Do or Die…but maybe that is what I need to start focusing on.  That truly, if you ARE MORBIDLY obese…then doesn’t that mean…it is Do it or eventually you will Die?

She is discovering who she really is now, and said she had to lose the weight in her head…get healed emotionally.

Sorry…I am in a rambling mood…it is almost 2am…and I need to get on to bed.

Blessings to all of you on the road to recovery, to discovering who you really are, and getting real.  Stepping out of the crysalis…and spreading your wings!  I pray tonight, that God will give you the key to what will give you success for your journey!

Watching Biggest Loser…and it is awesome tonight!  Tara is “the one to beat” and they all ganged up on her this week.  They gave her 250+ pounds to pull behind her.  It hurt her, and made her feel defeated, and start considering quitting the show.  But she found her mojo, it was like all the buckets of water they poured on her became gasoline, and she went for it, and still beat them all–and won immunity!!!  She even got to do victory laps and doughnuts in the race car.

Watching it, I was crying and cheering for her…I really identified with her.   Not just with the weight loss, but with other stuff going on in my life.  Do you ever have people try and sabotage you just because they are jealous of you, or because they are not happy with who they are?  I have experienced that…and it hurt me.

It makes me think of Joseph in the bible.  His own brothers hated him and wanted to kill him.  Because he was blessed, favored, and gifted.  But he, like Tara continued to do what they knew was their personal best!  Joseph because he loved His heavenly Father.

Jealousy is so ugly.  I don’t want to ever be like that…

Today I was feeling defeated…on multiple levels, and seeing Tara choose to do her best, no matter who was out to get her…well…it has inspired me.  Reminding me that I need to remember that this is something I need to do for me…and learn it is ok to be the best me I can be…no matter what anyone else does…I am going to spread my wings and fly!

I decided to go for a walk, changed clothes probably 6 times, nothing seemed to look ok…finally decided on something to wear…and left home.

Once I was driving, I decided to go on a couple of errands instead.  Afterwards I drove to the gym.  Haven’t been there is so long…I was embarrassed.  I was stuck…  Couldn’t get out of the car.

Drove home.

Maybe once it is dark I will muster up the courage to step out again.  Right now, I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I am only a couple pounds more than I was the last time I started, but this time…I just feel HUGE!  Defeated…sad.

Keep thinking, what is the point?  Failure on top of failure is mounting up to seem like a mountain before me.

Does anyone have any climbing gear I can borrow?

“It is never the fall that kills, it’s the sudden stop at the end.” - Mountain Guide’s Handbook

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” The Beauty of the Mountain is hidden for all those who try to discover it from the top, supposing that, one way or an other, one can reach this place directly. The Beauty of the Mountain reveals only to those who climbed it…” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I have been thinking about buddyslim all day, cruisin’ around the site…seeing who is still around, and reading old blogs of mine.  Missing all of my friends here.  Feeling re-inspired…considering writing a blog again.  But….

then…I went to my email and there it was, my title.  “Don’t be a diet dropout.”   Here is the article…

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/how-to-stay-on-a-diet?ecd=wnl_wlw_032109

The last little pointer…Don’t get discouraged if you regain!

Sound’s easier than it is!  Trust me.  It seems like when I started slipping away…I am on a cliff…falling faster than the speed of light…grasping for anything I can to try and get a grip…falling right back into the pit of face stuffing-eating out-give me those fries-compulsive kinda dining…oh no…it is not pretty. 

In that pit, there are no restraints…no second thoughts…no concerns for the consequences…it is just all about trying to fill that hunger.

When does it stop?  Why is it there?

I have been reading the book by Oprah, make the connection.  I have read it before, but my husband is going through some books, and it was on the top of a stack…so I started reading it again.  To SEE if I COULD go ahead and MAKE the CONNECTION…

I am feeling a little more connected…at least close to it.  Not making the best decisions yet, but feel a level of sanity coming back to me.  Praying…flirting with the idea again.

Yes, I do believe there is a desire to try again…so I have started looking at the quick fixes…but talking myself out of them…knowing it is just going to be hard work and determination…with a commitment to take the time and have the patience to persevere!

Wonder why it takes me so long to DECIDE to get’er done?  Why can’t I just DECIDE to do it…and make it happen?  What is the drawing to this dysfunctional lover? 

I know it is an addiction for me.  I can tell because, I run to food for comfort.  I use it to cope.  It is an idol…something I place before God…expecting it to satisfy…

But it just makes me hungrier…and hungrier…more and more unsatisfied.

This week google had on their search page, one of my favorite children’s book author/illustrators, Eric Carle…

And the very hungry caterpillar…my familiar friend…

I am just wishing it was Sunday…and I could build my coccon…and just come out a beautiful butterfly!